Manifesting With Leyla

Evolution of Victory... Now It's The Animals Turn

2011-07-10T05:48:00.000-07:00

Our world has seen significant changes over the past 70 plus years. We've seen the end of World Wars, the victory of the Civil Right's movement, release of political prisoners, ousting of dictators, freedom to vote, enormous courage, we're watching the change in tide in same-sex marriages... Now, it's time for the animals to claim victory over oppressors and abusers.

Set to "Faith of the Heart" by Rod Stewart, I hope that my little video will make a change in your heart, your mind, and implore you to visit www.earthlings.com and watch the movie, and decide for yourself.

As humans, we are the ONLY VOICE for helpless animals suffering needlessly, for the sole pleasure of human consumption, fashion, and enjoyment.

Grace and Gratitude

2011-05-30T22:15:00.000-07:00

Remember the strength in gratitude and appreciation. From the smallest thing in your life, to the biggest; give thanks and gratitude. The moment we start to FEEL that appreciation and gratitude is the moment we actually SEE how wealthy we truly are.

_/|\_

Namaste

When Good Friends Turn Bad; Or Do They...

2011-05-21T11:12:00.000-07:00

I have been asked over the years a similar question by quite a number of people. What is interesting is that I am often asked questions to situations which I have dealt with personally on more than one occasion and have quite a "history" of experience dealing with it behind me.

I was once again asked the same question in a comment on a previous post on here very recently, and decided to devote a post to it.

The question is about friendship and why we attract to us those friends who use us a "whipping posts" when it suits their needs, and there never follows an apology for their actions. And, why do such people exist.

I want to dissect this a little because over the years, I have had my fair share of encounters with individuals who have treated me and our friendship this way.

First off, that kind of behaviour is abusive. Plain and simple. But sometimes, there is a deeper meaning and reason to why we are attracting such people into our lives.

Like an onion, we must uncover the layers, and in each layer there contains a hidden meaning and a potential misunderstanding. Sometimes, the onion is large with many layers; other times, it is small and getting to the bulb is easy. As the person standing on the outside looking in at the complete onion, not dissecting and uncovering each layer; it is hard to know whether its simply a big onion with thick layers, or a big onion with lots and lots of layers... or in even more simple terms, baggage.

First of all, to understand abuse one must look a little into the premise of abuse and what is the drive behind it. A man hits a woman, did she simply "piss him off" and his violent nature was to strike out and hit her? The situation that lined itself up for the end outcome of physical violence is never one that is simply a surface matter. Violence and rage has deep seeded seeds which have been planted long, long ago. Most people may not even remember when or where the seeds were planted, this takes work and working with someone who can help guide the individual who is truly willing and wanting to work at finding the seeds to eradicate them.

Abuse simply stems from a need for power and control. That is the basis of any and all abuse.

When an individual strikes out physically or verbally (even sexually, as in the case with sex abusers), they are in a place of complete and total lack of control or power of themselves or a situation. The only way they know how to regain some of it, and feed their ever starved EGO, is to take it from someone else who does not, or will not, or can not, stand up for themselves and who allows it.

For an individual who is on the receiving end, this can not only be detrimental, but etheric psychology begins to create a pattern which puts an individual into a cycle. Similar to the cycle of one who lives in an abusive relationship.

The abuser is one who generally has very low self-esteem even if they cover it up with a mask that suggests otherwise. There are subtle flaws in their mask that could easily identify them in the presence of an individual who is keenly aware of such characteristics. Certain words spoken, gestures made, looks given can often betray the individual who has potentiality for abuse.

In the situation of a friendship, as time progresses and people become more comfortable around the other, cracks begin to appear in the facade and portions of the true Self begin to show through. Sometimes, it is a layer that is not wanting to be shown, a vulnerability that needs to be kept hidden for reasons known only to the individual. If an "outsider" (and by that, I mean any person outside of the Self), catches even a momentary glimpse, or the individual feels threatened in any way, shape, or form by a word, an action, a gesture, or a look; they can easily begin to strike out.

As in all abuse situations, it begins slowly. It is a grooming process. Maybe something said in a joke or in simple passing, all calculated "tests" to see how far they can push. While the individual acting in this way may not be cognitive about it, their entire MO has become such that the psyche is always working in that direction.

Often, it is a protective mechanism. As a friend, you might be aware of their past, or some aspects of their past, so it might be a bit more easily identified as to where their attacks are originating from. But, often we do not know, we simply become the target.

As I have mentioned in past posts, how we react to situations is a way of how our psyche sees a reflection in a mirror. We react in a joyful and happy way, because what we are witnessing or experiencing is reflecting a part of ourselves that we love, we adore, we have fun with. When we react in anger or annoyance (or any negative emotion), it is important to stop and ask ourselves what it is about ourselves that we are reacting to. What mirror image are we seeing that we do not like about ourselves.

I am sure I have shared a story about the time I was studying Kabbalah with The Kabbalah Center, but for the purpose of this post, I will share it again.

At that time, we often had large seminar-type meetings open to the general public who wanted to learn more about Kabbalah as well as understanding Self more. The meetings cost money to attend, and while it was not a huge cost, it was still a cost nonetheless. Most people pre-registered to attend, and many had already pre-paid.

My husband and I were very active with the Kabbalah group here in Phoenix and we often volunteered our time in helping and doing our part to help build the group up. So this particular weekend, my husband and I were working the registration desk. Through the day, we had various people stopping by and asking simple questions, some paid at the door to learn more, others just wanted a quick overview and then went on their way. For many, the whole "Is this the same thing that Madonna does?" drew them in to learn more. It was all routine stuff for us, we'd heard it all before.

Just before registration ended and the seminar was to begin, a older lady and her son arrived. He had pre-registered for both of them and all that was needed was their registration number and their money to get in. He had no problems with all that and my husband was taking care of it. Suddenly his mother started with a barrage of questions for me, but not simply asking but asking in a manner that was argumentative and aggressive. She seemed like she was looking for a fight. She demanded to know where the money paid was going, why they had to pay, what was the point in it all, etc... etc... etc... For about ten minutes she stood there, confrontational and to some degree, I felt she was quite offensive. I answered her questions and tried to stay as level-headed as possible to her seeming attacks.

Each word out of her mouth seemed to cut me deeper.

After she and her son went into the seminar, I mentioned something to my husband. Now you have to understand, my husband is one of the most laid-back, roll-with-the-punches guy you will ever meet. He's either completely oblivious to confrontation unless its right in his face, or he just does not get affected by things like I do (and yes, I can be quite a hot-head at times, I admit). True-to-form, he answered my statement of "WOW! What was up her ass? She was really offensive and with no cause" with "I didn't notice anything. She just had questions, and she might have had an attitude with them, but I didn't think she was being offensive."

This got me thinking long and hard about what had taken place and especially at my reaction to it. On Monday, I made a call to my teacher with the Kabbalah Center, I told him of the events and said to him these exact words; "Yehuda, I have gone over and over in my mind this whole "mirror thing". I can not understand where I was seeing myself reflected in that woman and her attitude. I would never talk to another person the way she talked to me. So why am I reacting to the degree that I am?" I really was confused, had been for two days. I'd replayed it over and over in my mind and I simply could not see what it was that was reflecting back that I was reacting to.

When Yehuda answered me, it put the whole theory of the "onion" into perspective for me. Often, we look at an onion as a whole, we don't think of the individual layers that create the whole image. So, when we react to something that is a "mirror" back to us, it is not necessarily something that we are seeing reflecting on the surface, but rather it is contained in a layer somewhere in the mass of layers.

He told me that possibly I had "trust issues" because the woman's reaction and her questioning was obviously of someone who lacked trust, who was questioning because she did not have the trust in what was simply being presented.

The moment he told me this, it was like a light-bulb went off in my head, it was a complete "a-ha" moment for me. He was right. Most of my life, I had major trust issues, it was something I kept close to myself but I never opened myself up to anyone, I always held much of myself closed in and closed down. I felt that any little piece of "me" that I exposed, would easily be exploited and used against me. I'd had good cause for these thoughts and feelings from experiences in my past. And as time moved on, I often found myself in situations with individuals where I would allow myself to open up just a little, only to be taken advantage of and my issue of trust forged an even greater and thicker protection and barrier as I shut myself down more.

I finally "got it". I understood. And I knew that that woman had actually presented me with a gift. It was something that was being dredged up, but that needed to be addressed.

We "attract" individuals in to our lives who treat us in certain ways because they are truly showing us areas of our lives that we need to focus on, dredge up, contemplate, meditate on, understand, and finally let go.

Being a "whipping post" for people is not easy. Not in the least. Those who do the whipping also have issues which needs personal introspection and finding release from. But those of us who have been the whipping post, we need to understand why it keeps happening to us. What lessons are being presented time and time again that WE need to learn.

Many of us can say this about ourselves, "I am not a person who retaliates in conflict". But to what nth do we allow ourselves to stand at the post and be whipped by others who feed their need for power and control. When is enough enough and the proverbial straw that breaks the camels back finally the last straw? When can we stop giving our power and control away to others, and take a stand and understand why it is happening over and over again? This is where it starts to get interesting for us because we have to ask ourselves;

"Am I truly ready to find what is buried and let it go? Am I truly ready to be done with this? Am I ready to move forward and free myself?"

We do not need to retaliate in conflict, what is important is that we find strength and love of our Selves that is so strong and deep within us to make a stand and say "enough is enough". Simply stop it. Sometimes, we must have conflict to finally end the cycle. Often, we must show that part of ourselves that we deem ourselves worthy enough to never allow this to happen again. It's not an easy thing, it's not comfortable to do; but often,

The things which are the least comfortable for us to do, have the greatest long-term benefits.

Once we start standing up for our Selves, once we delve deep to understand the pattern that has been painted before us in the individuals who we have drawn to us, and the abuse that has been dished up to us; then we can begin to trace it back to the originating seed. Once the seed is found, dig it up, throw it out, and let it go. Find forgiveness, and find gratitude in all those who have (over the months and even years) brought this to the surface for you to experience, seek, find, and then release.

In love and in gratitude, release that which keeps returning in a cycular pattern, and in so doing release the energies which continue to attract them into your life.

Once you do this, you will find that the individuals in your life who are continuing this pattern, will make their exit and you will be free of that pattern.

To attract healthy individuals into your life, I suggest taking time to really reflect on the type of friends you want to surround yourself with. Focus on their qualities. As you take time to do this, get out a piece of paper and begin noting down all the positive qualities you would ideally like those you surround yourself with, to have. The more you focus on the types of people you want to surround yourself with, the more you will also become the type of person who is cognitively and etherically healthy enough to attract such individuals into your life.

The more we focus on something, the more we create it into being.

My suggestion is to not put down such outlandish things that you are not yourself; for instance, if you are an artist-type, but you decide that it is important to surround yourself with scientists or business people, you need to ask yourself why that is important to you, and what would you honestly have in common? I suggest being more general in attributes that would appeal to you. An example of what your paper could look like would be focusing on attributes such as:

Open minded

Spiritually aware

Non-judgmental

Generous

Healthy sense of humour

Healthy awareness of boundaries

Mature

etc...

You could even list similar likes to you on there, such as "enjoys wine and cheese tasting", "likes the theatre", etc.

Post your "list" someplace where you can view it often; it will like a "vision board". As you evolve into the person who is ready for friends with such attributes, you'll find your Self expanding in a direction geared towards your list. For example, if you've always wanted to open yourself up more to spirituality, but had more of a religious up-bringing than spiritual, you might find yourself attending lectures or discussion groups on different spiritual paths. Within those groups, you might meet a group of friends who also "fit" as far as other aspects of your list goes.

What most people don't realise is that life, and living, is a process of evolution.

While we can easily see the "evolution" from infancy to childhood to adulthood and then old-age, what we can not see is the etheric and psychological evolution that takes place in all of us. Each experience we encounter is nothing more than a expansion of mind as we evolve further on life's-journey. Embrace it as it arises, understand it, apply it, and then let it go to move on to the next experience and journey.

_/|\_

Namaste

©Leyla Hur

Tolerance v. Acceptance

2011-05-13T16:15:00.000-07:00

There has been something that has irked me for a while, that is the use of the terminology "tolerate".

Too often, I have heard good-hearted and kind people, use that terminology when referring to others. I remember one Sunday class at church when a very sweet lady gave a lesson in the ladies "Relief Society" meeting and said "I was brought up to tolerate all people and love them just the same."

That truly got my juices flowing because I understood where she was coming from, and I understood what she meant, what she really meant even if she did not.

"Tolerance" is nothing more than an acceptable way of "putting up with something". When we "put up" with something, we do not necessarily like it, we certainly do not embrace it; but it is there, there is really nothing we can do to change it or create something different... "better" (in our own understanding), so we'll just "put up" with it and because we are doing that, its OK.

For instance, I remember meeting a family who were very religious. They presented themselves as very nice and kind people, but in truth, were very prejudiced and the very sad thing about it was, they had no idea how prejudice they were, or what harm they were inflicting upon others in their usage of the word "tolerance".

Without regard, they would speak about people who were gay and say "we are really good Christians, and we are taught to tolerate all people and love them, and even those who are gay, we tolerate and love as Christ would."

Hold-up the covered wagons here a moment, "as Christ would"? First off, Christ accepted and loved without having to "put up with". There was a purity in His love and His ministry. Too many self-confessed "Christians" out there need to get back to basics and learn the plain facts about their Lord and Saviour and apply it to their lives.

I find there are more people outside of mainstream Christendom, or religion as a whole, who maybe go against the current of societies "norm" (depending on what society one belongs to), who have more Christ-like qualities and love, than some Christians have in their little finger.

Tolerance is NOT a word I use unless I truly AM tolerating something. Like the toothache I currently have but have been to damn lazy to go to the dentist... Yep I am definitely tolerating it. Or the fact that I live in Arizona and the summer is fast approaching and I can do nothing but tolerate it to get through it.

Tolerate is a word that should never be used in reference to an individual or group of individuals.

We are all different. We all have our paths to walk. We are all on a journey. No one knows the true nature of another's journey (or struggles along that journey), and to simply reduce and dismiss any true embracing and unconditional love with "tolerance", is ignorance to its core.

Acceptance is pure. It is all-embracing and all-inclusive. It does not judge. It simply is. The individual, the situation, simply Is.

I would rather that people are honest with themselves than fool themselves into believing that they are acting in a kind, compassionate, and loving manner when they are "tolerating" another. The one who is "tolerated" knows exactly what is going on; whether cognitive or not, their souls know and this sets them on a path.

Too many people in this world have hang-ups about being themselves and embracing themselves fully, because of others simple tolerance of them.

When I hear that word, I feel dirty. I feel abused. I feel... sad.

And for the "offender" who has used this terminology without complete comprehension, there is nothing to feel guilt over. Simply find honesty within you and make a change. Do you truly only "tolerate" a person, situation, or group, or do you truly accept and embrace them?

It can be a hard thing to deduce and then be honest and completely raw about.

For the one who is religious and trying to emulate the goodness that their religion teaches, it is hard to accept the fact that they truly believe that something, or someone, is an abomination to ones psyche and presence. And years of "tolerance" has made one immune to the stench of that "putrid nature". It is complete and total brainwashing by religious dogma which justifies and serves no one but the ones who first spewed it out. In other words, it's bullshit. No one can truly be judged in such a manner. But that is what man-made religion has condensed and stuffed individuals into such categories... "untouchables" in some societies.

To finally free oneself from the deception of lies that makes one tolerate someone or situation, is liberating. Ones true nature can only set you free.

I do not say to turn against or become nasty to those once tolerated, but rather remove Self from their presence. Be honest in saying to yourself, "I don't like it. I don't agree. I don't wish to be around...".

In our world, there are so many variances and we can't all agree or embrace or love each variance. We have to be true to ourselves.

My main issue is not simply the word and action, it is the falseness behind it. It is the lies and deception.

If one truly accepts in the purest form of the meaning, then one should look at changing their vocabulary to reflect such. Remove "tolerate" from your speech pattern, replace it with "accept".

When I envision the word accept, I feel a warm hug embracing me, loving me, allowing me to truly be me without any "buts" or conditions. I can simply BE without having to worry about anything or anyone around me. I feel no judgment. I feel no need to correct or make changes to anyone. I feel no scrutiny. I feel, free.

Our society has created itself to be where very few can truly live in complete and total acceptance, and very few can truly offer that purist form of acceptance that is Divine acceptance.

Many of us accept and embrace a certain criteria, but still "tolerate" another.

Maybe, it is time that we all look at our Selves. Be keenly aware for one entire day (or go a full-week identifying) how we act or react to certain events or individuals. Note it down if you must and make it a tangible record for you to see, behold, and touch.

As you are out and about, how do you view the vagrant on the street? Do you embrace and accept them, or do you merely tolerate them?

How about the other drivers on the road? Do you fall into the trap of road-rage? What words and emotions do you emit to the other driver?

What about those you work with?

Or the common person on the street, at the supermarket, in the mall; what thoughts are flowing through your mind, conversations with your Self?

And your loved ones? How do you truly feel about them? Do you accept them unconditionally, or could you point out changes that you feel they should make?

If you need to, write down your thoughts, your actions, your words, your feelings, your emotions, etc.

It is a great experiment in seeing how much of our day we are either "tolerating" others, or not even tolerating but rather being outright angry and intolerant, not accepting, correcting, trying to change others.

Be aware also of the feelings you have of complete and total acceptance. Note the difference in the feeling, the emotion, the way you act or speak.

For some, understanding the difference between tolerance and acceptance is difficult. Here is a hint to help you out and help you identify those times when you are being tolerant or accepting.

When you speak to a person or speak about a subject; do you feel yourself holding back in any way - as if there is a barrier between you? Are you weighing your words carefully? Are creating a persona within yourself that you know is created and not true? If you are or do, then that situation is one where you are being tolerant.

When you speak to a person or speak about a subject, are you vivacious and animated? Are you having fun? Are you truly yourself with no "filter" over your mind or mouth and you simply are in a state of being? You have no trouble expressing yourself and you feel love and joy flowing through you as you speak or act. Do you completely and totally feel for the person you are speaking to, or situation you are speaking about, without anything but joy? Without any need to correct, or change, or add in a "but"? This is the pure form of acceptance.

When we accept another or a situation, we have nothing to fear in the way we act or speak. We simply are because we are present. We embrace. We love. We don't hold back because we know that nothing we say or do is done with malice or ill-intent so even speaking directly about the situation or person, is comfortable because we are comfortable.

When we are in a state of tolerance, we can not ever truly let ourselves go in the moment. We are cautious about our words and our thoughts in fear (or concern) we might say, or do, the wrong thing. We are constantly watchful and mindful of every little thing we do, say, or think. We are on the lookout for any opportunity to add where they can make changes or corrections. We look out for areas where we can "help" in changing them, improving them (or the situation). We can not truly be satisfied and constantly have to look to improve. What it boils down to is that we can never truly be free in the situation or around the individuals.

In essence, we are holding ourselves prisoner and we have sentenced ourselves to life without parole.

It truly is not anyone's fault that one is caught up in this sort of belief pattern. It is society and upbringing and environment that forms a person. No one is to blame. There truly is no fault. To find blame or fault is to perpetuate a cycle that needs to end.

Our world truly is not tolerant, and it is not accepting. But we can change that. If each person reading this were to experiment for one day, or one week, in learning what they are accepting of and what they are tolerant of, it would be a start.

Once one knows and understands, and is honest about the differences, focus on what it is about the aspects on the "tolerance" side that offend you.

Maybe you have a cousin or a friend or a neighbour who is gay. What is it about them being gay offends you? Is it them being gay or the idea of anyone being gay? Understand your feelings. Identify your truth. Could it possibly be that there is fear and ignorance of those who are gay? How do you identify someone who is gay? Is it only about the sex or that you feel they could never possibly love to the same degree as a heterosexual person? Do you look at them as being gay or choosing to be gay? Is it a religious aspect? Have you ever spoken with someone who is openly gay and asked them what it is like for them? How was it coming out? Did they have fears? What fears did they have? Or simply ask them why they are gay? The more you can get understanding and comprehending of your own feelings and emotions, and then understand from someone first hand, you will be able to find a better understanding of the situation and comprehend your feelings even more after the fact.

What about the homeless person; is it that they are homeless? Or do you view them as being lazy? Do you think that all homeless people are drunk or drug addicts or have mental illness? Does the idea of homelessness frighten you? Does a homeless person scare you? Why? Do you feel that someone who is homeless has simply wasted their life away? What makes you feel or think this way?

And so on...

When you can identify what the core of the issues are, where YOU fit into the perceptions that you have; then you can start to turn it around.

It is very easy to judge. To hide that judgment behind simple "tolerance". Often, we judge to turn things away from ourselves and our true feelings about our selves.

Often, the very things we judge others for, are a direct reflection of something deep within ourselves that scare us. So we deflect, and we turn it outwards and find an object that we can target.

When we hide behind the idea of tolerance, and delve into a relationship or activity within the bonds of that which we are tolerating, we are hiding behind it even more. We make it "okay" to mask the truth because we are "working within" the bonds. But when we don't like something, but we do it anyway, what service is that truly doing for us?

In the end, everything turns back towards our Selves and who we are, what we are keeping buried, and why we are doing it.

A few years ago, my husband and I were approached by two very drunk, very large, very offending pee-smelling, homeless Native American (Indian) men. It was late at night and we were leaving a restaurant after dinner with friends, when these two men came upon us asking for money. I felt impressed to start talking with them, learning about them. My initial fears were soon replaced with compassion and understanding.

I learned that the larger of the two, who was a severe diabetic, was a scared "man on the run" and was wanted on the reservation for murder. I did not ask details of the murder, but only that he was remorseful and as scared as he was, he only wished to go back home to his family, but fear prevented that. On top of that angst, was the knowledge that he was Chief of the clan since his father has passed, and his running away left a clan without a leader, completely abandoned.

Arriving in Phoenix, he had no money, no job or job skills, and he had started taking a liking to liquor and beer that dulled his memories and his pain. He began living on the streets, and soon his whole world was that of a street-sleeping, pan-handling drunk.

As the tears fell from this mans face, and the sobs racked through his body, and cries telling me that he only wanted to "go home", and the disease of alcoholism and terror holding him back, I felt nothing but love and compassion for him. I embraced him and held him close to me as he sobbed, the tears forming streaks down his dirty face and landing on my shirt. I did not care. In that moment, I was swept up in compassion and complete and total love for this man. His companion stood by watching and sobbing silently in his own grief of his life story, and the love and acceptance that was being shared.

My husband and I went and bought them a good size meal, the younger and smaller of the two wanted a strawberry milk-shake, a rare treat surely. I told them that we would not give them any money, but we would give them a meal, something they had not had in days. The love and deep appreciation they offered in their humble "thanks" was enough.

I did not care that my nice outfit was now stained with dirt, and that I smelled of strong smelling urine - these things can be washed, or bought new. All I cared about in that instance was letting these two men know that they are loved, regardless of their situation or their past, they were not judged but embraced and accepted.

While I have no knowledge of what happened to them, I know that that night healed me in so many different ways. I felt an acceptance of these men that I never had before. I looked past the dirt, the smell, their foreboding sizes, the fear, and simply and completely accepted them and loved them.

As I stood in the shower that night, I cried. I cried for all the years that I had held my own judgment against others. Not knowing circumstances, or situations, or their "why"; I simply judged based on my own conception of what was right or what was wrong. But that night, as I stood in the shower, tears falling from my eyes intermingling with the fresh water from the shower head; I felt alive. I felt a love surging through my body I never had before. I released the past down the shower drain, and prepared for a new future of accepting and understanding if I ever felt I needed to "tolerate". And soon, that vulgar word, erased itself from my psyche and speech.

In understanding the difference between tolerance and acceptance, we can truly free our Selves. Not just in the honesty of how we truly feel, but rather WHY we feel. Where did it come from. When we can find the seeds, we can identify our true Selves and our true nature. Once that is accomplished, we will see more acceptance; embracing, unconditional loving, and positive change.

_/|\_

Namaste

©Leyla Hur

How the Pure The Love for a Child Can Connect Us

2011-05-13T16:07:00.000-07:00

I have discovered today the complete and total unconditional love for a little girl. My niece has completely captured my heart. Is it normal to fall in love so totally in the first instant of seeing her on my Skype monitor?

Prior to today, I had only "known" her through the few photos I had been sent, and the few stories I had been told. I had not seen her in real time, moving, talking, experiencing any time "with her" as far away as I am. And I guess that put a barrier up between us, made her seem all the less "real" to me.

This afternoon, I spent almost two hours observing, talking, and falling in deeper love. Thanks to the beautiful invention of Skype, I was transferred into my mother's living room, and was able to talk to her, and have her see me, hear my voice, interact with me.

The first moment Mum moved her monitor and camera and my niece's face encroached upon my screen, tears of complete, unconditional love filled my eyes, and my heart grew several inches in my chest. The instantaneous adoration for this little girl enveloped my entire being.

WOW! I never knew such a connection before, in complete totality. There was a single moment of absolute cognition as my being whispered to me "She has some of my blood coursing through her. She is a part of me." and in that moment, I fell even further and deeper in love.

My niece is a year old. Only recently has my Mother figured Skype out, so I have not had the opportunity before this to "meet" her.

I have lived away from my family home for over eight years now, living on the opposite side of the Continent and in a different country. There have been times when I have grown homesick, but phone calls, emails, and an occasional visit has eased much of any homesickness. I have built a life that is different from my family's and as I have grown up and moved on, the truth of the matter is, we all get caught up in our own lives. We connect at times, touch base, say "I love you", but then we become consumed by our own lives once again.

In the eight and a half years since I moved away, there has only been two times when my heart ached to near breaking at not being home, being right there, experiencing and seeing first-hand. Those two times happened exactly (to the day) three months apart, in 2010.

The first was the day my niece was born. Circumstances were such were there was more than a possibility that I would not have seen her immediately anyway; but to be there with my family, my parents, my siblings, to celebrate, embrace and welcome this new life into our family.

The second was three months later when my Dad passed away suddenly. Once the initial shock and devastation lifted slightly, the only thing that consumed my mind was getting back home. Being with my Mum, sister, and brother. Sharing in the grief as a family under one roof.

Endless phone calls that lasted hours ensued during that first month. And in my mind the only thing I wanted was to be home. But as that first month turned into a second and then a third, I found that my mind began to ease on that feeling of wishing to be home.

Eventually, I will go home; probably not to stay, but for a visit. I realise that my life has moved on. I am a different person. I have grown in a direction that puts me on a different path. And that is OK.

However, moments like today, seeing my niece for the very first time, my arms now longing to hold her, my lips aching to kiss her; and it will happen. We have a life time ahead of us. Until then, we have the beauty of Skype to help us to interact. Today, she not only met me, but my dog and I saw her figure out how to grasp a crayon and draw something for the very first time.

And today, in that instant when I felt and saw the connection that she and I share, the same DNA and blood that courses through both of us; I recognized something deeper, bigger, higher. In a momentary blink, an instant that flashed before me, I became suddenly connected to all who went before me, my ancestors; and my nieces' ancestors - OUR ancestors. I saw the bigger picture for all of us. I recognized it and I embraced it.

In an momentary glimpse of the Universal Connection, I saw all of our DNA strands connecting, inter-mingling, and becoming one.

I saw the truth and absolute meaning in "Namaste" - I see you in me and me in you. Together, we are one.

What a beautiful gift my precious niece gave me today. And how in that alone, it makes me fall in love even deeper and greater; not just with her, but with every single person, we truly are all connected.

_/|\_

Namaste

©Leyla Hur

The Best Thing About Me Is You

2011-05-12T09:46:00.000-07:00

Being "Deleted" and Surviving; Navigating The Chaos of Our Online World

2011-05-09T17:46:00.000-07:00

I remember the time when people would communicate face-to-face, voice-to-voice, and even via *gasp* written letters.

While I know that many of our "younger" friends don't remember a time that did not contain spell-check, and figuring how to spell a word actually meant going to the bookshelf and grabbing an actual book of paper and flip through it. To feel the "breeze" and scent of the paper, and knowledge as you flip through the pages; to me, it was all part of the sensation of learning, the experience of learning, and fun of learning. To tangibly feel the texture of the paper, to hold such an amazing treasure in your hands and know that within contained knowledge. It is something that I still hold on to as I reach for my Oxford Pocket Dictionary that Mum bought me all those years ago in elementary school. And while some of the pages are coming loose, and the plastic reinforcement sticky film is fraying in areas, and my name written in bold across the held tight pages are fading, it is one of my greatest treasures. It has been with me for 30 years. Played an integral part in my life and my writing, and it is ever close-at-hand.

But today, with the internet and "Google", anything being found easily online, Kindle, iPad, iPod, iPhone, Spell-check, etc. I think we have lost a lot of our roots and in some instances, I think that it has taken a lot of the fun out of learning. Today, things seem so easy, its hard to think that much can be digested because it is so readily available. Why digest when one can simply Google?

I still remember asking my Mum how to spell certain words and her immediate reply "look it up". Then trying to sound out the word and the fun (and sometimes frustration) of trying to seek it out in my blue covered dictionary. And how many other words I'd learn while on the hunt for the word I was looking for. It became a fun past time and my vocabulary expanded without much effort.

It became even more fun when I discovered profanity and looking up (and finding) "Shit" and "Fuck" in my little pocket dictionary. I remember endlessly giggling, especially when I took it to school the next day and shared it with my friends. If those words were in there, the possibilities were endless to what I could find in that precious little book.

While the internet and all-access to everyone at anytime is convenient, it seems to be met with a lot of issues that I have never encountered before.

Facebook is the "new world community", and how many of us are suckered in to endless hours spent chatting, updating, commenting, surfing, playing games, etc? I have my hand held up high as I must confess that I definitely spend way too many hours on Facebook.

There used to be a time when one could come home at the end of the day, close the front door, and have privacy in the home. In talking with friends recently, I learned of things that happened within their home growing up, that I had no idea about. And there were things that happened in my home that people had no idea about. It was easy to wear the mask and hide the private stuff.

Today, I know more about some friends' bathroom and eating habits than I'd care to. Such intimate and private details being shared on updates via Facebook and Twitter (and other sites), and much sense of privacy has gone out the window.

I remember the time when people would meet face-to-face to develop friendships. Where we'd pick up the phone to chat. Where we'd drop a little card or letter in the mail to "connect". In my years on My Space and then Facebook and Twitter, I have made some very near and dear friends, some whom I still have to meet in person.

My co-host on Manifesting the Positive radio, GuruStu, is one of my closest friends. We spent a year and a half co-hosting an internationally successful radio show, and he was one of my regular contributors to Magnify You magazine (an online magazine I created). And while we have a great friendship, and we have worked together on some amazing projects, and we've spent long hours on the phone chatting; we still have never met face-to-face.

But this seems to be how our world is operating. Visions from the movie "Surrogates" flood my mind as I think that our online personas can become anything we choose to create them to be, and that we truly are living in a virtual world, simply "operating" the "I" we have created from behind a monitor screen.

A well-known friend of mine made a discovery a couple of years ago when they realised that their celebrity status was more of an online concept, and was quite shocked over it. As he raced through a busy airport trying to catch his plane, no one sought an autograph from him and he was actually (*huge gasp here*) stopped at security check points like a "regular" person. There was no VIP treatment, no fan-fare, no security protecting him from marauding fans; in the eyes of the "off-line" world, he was just another guy rushing through an airport.

This really struck him, as he realised that for all his popularity online and on Facebook, all the hundreds of thousands of "hits" to his website, and endless numbers on his mailing list; people in the real world, had no clue who he was. It was a real eye-opener for him.

It is important to see the balance of positive and negative with this new world we are living in. More people have access to us, people we have never met, and more than likely never will meet. While it this is a great medium for keeping in instant contact with loved ones and reconnecting with old friends, it can also pose a lot of problems.

Facebook is a world in unto itself. With the numbers of groups and pages, and individuals with big EGO's running small pieces of Facebook real estate, it can pose an issue.

Cyber-bullying is now a pandemic. When I was in school, bullying ended the moment you got home and closed the door; today, kids can't seem to escape from it and we hear more and more stories of children attempting, or succeeding, at suicide as a result.

Recently, I was involved in a situation where an individual I met on Facebook invited me to be one of the administrators of their group. I accepted without much "juggling" of my schedule. While I was interacting on the group, I had fun. It was a nice place to go and relax, meet others, and simply be.

Sadly, as things evolve and groups attract larger numbers, chaos can seem to reign and it is important for administrators to be communicating constantly and keeping up with their decisions; if one wants to keep order and peace within the group itself as well as between administrator's. Often, what tends to happen is that groups get large, administrator's lack communication, or miscommunicate, and tensions begin to rise. Sometimes, one administrator, decides to change rules and regulations without communicating to the other administrators, and can lead to even more misunderstanding and chaos. As what happened in the situation I was recently in.

In life, whether life is in a person-to-person/face-to-face/tangible basis, or a cyber one; communication in any regard is key. Break downs in communication is so easy, especially online where our main source of communicating is via text, which lacks emotion.

In our new online "world", it seems individuals become further sucked in to the game of EGO. It is very easy to 'delete' a friend on Facebook. I know that I have regularly done "clean-ups", where I remove individuals whom I realise I have little to nothing in common with, or we do not interact at all, and suddenly this person becomes nothing more than a "number" on my friends list.

I value people too much to simply reduce them to being a "number". For me, relationships need to be cultivated, interactions needs to happen, and commonality found. When these things are not being met within the relationship, the friendship suddenly becomes nothing more than a number.

In life, it is good to take stock of those around you; do an inventory. Are they individuals with whom you interact with? Do they improve your life or negate it? Are they a positive influence in your life, or do they suck the life out of you? Do they rise you up, or attempt to drown you?

There is nothing wrong with doing an inventory and then removing your Self from others. It's not about them, it's not about EGO which lends to emotion, it is about finding a healthy balance.

When I see that I am not contributing to another individuals life (in a healthy manner), or they are not returning the favor of friendship in kind, I see no point continuing on a pseudo relationship with them, when truly all that is being fed is ones EGO with the numbers section of the friends list.

While I have this point of view, it seems that others take offense to it. They often feel that they need to receive a long-drawn out explanation and prior-written warning and notice that they will be deleted from your friends list.

It has become a phenomena on Facebook, and many EGOs have been bruised, and anger turning into nastiness and back-biting and gossip ensues.

The fact is simple, when an individual is removed from a friends list, that relationship ends. There may be no answers to questions of "why" or "what did I do", but possibly looking at the interaction, or lack thereof, will provide the answers sought.

It is important to not allow emotion to get caught up in the sentiment of the situation. Realise that is simply is how it is, and leave it at that. In all honesty, how well did you know the person? How often did you hang out together away from the monitor? How close were you really? Often, what many of us fail to see, allowing ourselves to get caught up in EGO, is that we did not really know the person who deleted us. Theirs was a short interlude in this journey called "Life". Embrace the time you had together, but realise that it was time to move on.

We live in a fast-paced, high-tech world. People will come and go through our lives. Each moment that an individual has been a part of our lives, is an experience and a lesson in learning. When they retreat from our lives, when we have been easily "deleted" from their friends list with no cause, it is important to not feel as if it is a personal agenda at hurting. It is not an attack. It simply means that the relationship has run its course and it is an important part of our learning curve to realise this, embrace it, and flow with it.

As our world is fast-paced and high-tech, we can only expect it to get even faster. The faster we start moving, the more things will become a blur, the more we can easily get caught up and lost in that blur. It is important for us to take time to stop and remove the blur from our lives. The more we get caught up in it all, the more we open ourselves up to continual disappointment and hurt.

It is important to take time to evaluate how we are reacting to things. Look at the situation and ask, "why am I reacting to this? Is it really important? Will it change my life forever? What is the impact that it is having on my life?"

When we react to a situation, we must understand that it is something within our Selves that we are reacting to, and not necessarily the situation. When we react to something that is non-confrontational, not personal, and not directed to hurt; it is so important to analyse and identify our reactions and then try to understand why we are reacting the way that we are. Is it real? Or, is it perceived?

With as fast as things are moving today, as fast as we know things are progressing for our future, it's important that we stop. Take time to digest. Understand that someone hitting "delete" on your "friendship" is often not personal. Understand that the relationship has run its course and learn to release with love and peace, and look forward to developing new relationships and gaining new experiences.

_/|\_

Namaste

©Leyla Hur

Lifting the Mask and Unearthing A Treasure

2011-05-08T00:30:00.000-07:00

The past year has been a real roller coaster ride, with so many detours and changes along the ups and downs.

I have come full circle, and my 'circle' has expanded in the knowledge I have gained about myself.

For about a year, I have delved into a period of time of introspection. At the time my Dad passed, and for quite some time after that, I lost that introspection and just fell under a dark blanket of sorrow and deep grief. Consumed with the darkness, introspection disappeared from my existence as I coursed through the endless winding roads of sorrow and depression.

However, as the end to the darkness found a meeting with twilight, I once again found myself diving into the learning of Me, understanding and comprehending. Now I sit here, exposed bare to myself, understanding met with confusion, peace with chaos, joy with sorrow. And yes, that is exactly the roundabout that I am on right now.

We all wear masks. Once doors are closed to private and personal domains, no one knows what goes on in there. Our masks act in the same way, and so we choose to let certain people in for a glimpse of aspects of ourselves. Too often, we treat our Selves in the same manner, hiding away from the truth that is Us.

Delving in, thrusting open the curtains to let in the light and clear off the dust to the dirty window, and exposing oneself to Self, can be scary and confusing, sad and often lonely.

In my journey, I have found that I am surrounded by others who understand, who tell me that I am not alone in my journey, who love me in spite of my truth or maybe because of it. I am blessed to have those who do not judge closest to me.

Yes, I learned who I am. Coming out and revealing who I was to the chosen few closest to me, was more difficult than I could imagine. But they ease my burden, they are there for me to be open.

Sometimes, I am not as together as my mask would show. Often, behind my mask is a scared little girl who wants to hide away from the world.

Today I exclaimed in sheer panic "I don't WANT to be like this!", and I felt over come with shame and sorrow in the learning experience of my own truth. But it is a journey I am traversing, and as one very dear friend beautifully and loving me told me "things will start to make sense with each day that passes."

How many of us hide something deep down inside that we lock away so far, and under such high levels of security that we prevent ourselves security clearance? The more we try and hide from ourselves, the more out of balance our lives become. The process to rediscovering, embracing, and loving; regardless of what that deep buried truth is, is not an easy process. It means tearing up the foundations of what one assumes is a perfect and idyllic structure. But in the rebuilding process, the stress and frustration of the rebuild, or rather rediscovery, uncovers treasures that may never have been unearthed.

I am blessed. I am still walking my journey and dealing with emotions as they come. However, I am not looking forward, I am taking each step as it comes in a process. I embrace the positive and the negative as it arises, because each is an experience.

I pray the journey will be a short one, but I also know that when one journey ends, another begins. Sometimes, one merges in to another. Right now, I am just open to receiving and will embrace the time when I can impart my learning to others.

Namaste.

©Leyla Hur

My Birthday Wish

2011-05-06T01:17:00.000-07:00

Today, is my birthday. Well, it is now "officially" since its after midnight on Friday May 6th.

Since early yesterday morning, I have received birthday wishes on my Facebook wall from friends who are located all across the world.

Just after midnight, my husband came out of the shower and started singing "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" in a loud voice and with such gusto. The initial note struck me and made me jump out of my skin. He makes me laugh.

Growing up, my birthday was always a week-long (and more) celebration on the scale of a royal event, that culminated in a party, cake, and piles and piles of presents. That day was MY day. I made the choices and I made the decisions on where we went, what we did, and I knew what I wanted.

Maybe those early celebrations of my "special day" set me up for many "failures" as I grew up and birthdays passed with very little notice. Birthday parties planned often fell by the way-side when guests did not turn up and I was left sitting alone at a huge table in a restaurant.

Then, on my 29th birthday, the worst thing possible happened... I died. I don't mean that figuratively, I mean that literally.

I had been misdiagnosed by an inept doctor and then overdosed by him over a space of 12 months. In the end, I was no longer cognitive of my surroundings, I shook like a leaf while walking, and I could not sit for more than a few minutes at a time without being so exhausted I had to lay down.

The day before my birthday, I was rushed to hospital where I was diagnosed with being in Lithium toxicity, five times above the normal high level, and all my other "readings" were way off.

Arriving at the hospital, I made it into the emergency room and then collapsed.

The next day, my birthday, I suffered a major seizure, my heart stopped and while my body was revived and in a coma on life support, "I" was no longer in the physical realm, and my physical body was fighting to join me.

After that birthday, each one seemed to get worse. I began to dread my day, not really wanting to celebrate it. I began to look upon it with fear, and in that fear that I had surrounding the day, I continued to manifest negativity after negativity.

The one year I made the conscious effort to enjoy my day and truly celebrate, our 8 week old puppy had to be put down, that came only five weeks after our 16 year old dog passed away in my arms.

This year, I face this day for the very first time without my beloved father. Every year, my Dad would sing "Happy Birddday" to me in a mock Indian accent. This came about when I was little and had a very good friend who was a neighbour. We spent so much time together and I developed the "ear" for the Indian accent. My favourite was how Indians would sing "Happy Birdddday" and it delighted me. I aligned with my Indian "sister" and acquired many of the traits of her family and my other Indian friends. As far as I was concerned, I was one of them, and they were one of me.

My Dad thought it was so cute the way I would say it, and so he adopted it, singing to me in that special way each year. It was a song that he and I shared. A moment that was just "ours". It was between Dad and me.

This year, for the very first time, I won't hear my Dad singing to me in that special way. But in the silence of the night, before the dawn hits, I DO hear him. I KNOW he is celebrating with me and celebrating me as he always did.

I miss my Dad. I miss hearing his voice. However, I delight in knowing that he has never left me and is closer to me than he ever could possibly be in life. It brings me comfort and peace.

Dear friends from all over the world, some having been friends since grade one, and others have become dear to me in more recent times, have flooded my wall with birthday wishes.

I sit here in the wee-hours of my 38th birthday, and I am filled with an overwhelming sense and knowledge of the depth of blessings that is in my life. The people who are in my life who are more than acquaintances, more than "friends", they are family to me.

I see the deeper meaning behind each message, and SEE the ones who have taken the time to notice that today is my birthday and written on my wall, sharing their love with me.

What greater gift could I ever ask for than to know that I am remembered and loved by so many?

I think about the spiritual connotations and think of the meaning of the greeting "Namaste", which can be translated to mean "I see you in me and I see me in you. Together, we are one".

While I have emotions of not physically hearing my father's voice singing, of thinking of his physical presence not being here upon this realm; I am so completely and totally overflowing with love, with peace, with absolute joy, and I am present in the feeling.

These messages have been wonderful gifts to me. While they are not wrapped up in pretty wrapping paper with a bow on top, they mean so much more.

My greatest gift is something that I ask of from you, each of you who has stumbled upon this blog. A gift that will traverse days, weeks, months, years.

For my birthday, my greatest gift would be for you to do something special for someone else today.

Whether that is smiling at a stranger, opening a door for someone, giving money to someone in need, volunteering for your favourite charity, spending time with a family member or friend who needs an ear, giving someone a hug, etc. Do it with complete & total love for that individual, whether they are a stranger or not.

Recognize YOU in THEM & THEM in You. We are all connected, let's celebrate life.

Thank you ALL for participating in my birthday desire. No matter what day you stumble upon this blog post, no matter what year you do, take my wish and turn it into a reality. Not only will you be fulfilling my wish, you will be fulfilling something deeper and of significance for you and for the one(s) you share of your Self with.

_/|\_

~ Namaste ~

©Leyla Hur

One of the Best Articles on Osama bin Laden's Death I Have Read

2011-05-05T22:36:00.000-07:00

Dawud Wharnsby writes an inspiring article

Sometimes, a new tab with a story appears on my screen and I have no recollection on how it got there. I know that somewhere, somehow, I clicked on something and it appeared. But when, how, and who originated the link that I clicked on in some oblivious moment, I have no idea.

Most often, what appears is some silly little story or notation that either makes me raise an eyebrow and wonder "what was I thinking?", but there are some times that I read what is on this magically appeared tab and think "WOW!"

Tonight, I had that exact reaction... "WOW!"

The article in question, "Was Osama bin Laden My Neighbour?" was written by Dawud Wharnsby, a Canadian-born singer, songwriter who is living in Pakistan; to be precise, he lives in Abbottabad. Why does that name strike instant recognition to your cognition? Because it was the town that Osama bin Laden was recently found and killed.

In his article, he talks about waking up to heavy gun fire and explosions, learning about OBL's killing from friends in the USA via phone call. His journey through that day and the reactions of the people in his town, reactions of his neighbours and of the Afghan refugees that live in his town

It is a brilliantly written and incredibly inspiring article, filled with true human compassion, and complete love for fellow-human beings.

I highly suggest and recommend your reading the article and digesting some most impacting, and yet practical suggestions on what we ALL can do to make a difference in our world.

I really loved this article, and the only words I could truly articulate after reading it through, was a simple "WOW!" This is completely tear-jerking with inspiration and compassion-type experience from a first-hand experience.

Click the hyper-links above to connect directly over. Looking forward to reading your comments and responses to Dawud Wharnsby's piece.

©Leyla Hur

Listening to Our Intuition

2011-05-04T02:37:00.000-07:00

Making big decisions can be hard. The thought of change, or rather the fear of change, can grip us in its ugly grasp holding us back and keeping us locked into a cycle of unending perpetuation.

But sometimes, the feelings we get are not that of fear, but rather it is our intuition speaking to us, warning us, or telling us that it is not the right timing for change.

People have often asked me, "What is intuition?" Some wonder if it is some psychic mumbo-jumbo talk that has no bearing.

Intuition is the Divine Connection which we all carry within us. It is locked deep within our souls, and it is our direct communication to Spirit.

Many religions and spiritual paths teach us that when we are born, a veil is cast over our memories of previous lives or previous LIFE beyond this earthly realm. While this is true, the one thing that can not be covered, and the one thing that continues on is that part of our Divine Connection which speaks to us directly, guiding us and teaching us continually. It is the part of us that brings us comfort and solace in knowing when things are going to be OK, or warns us when we need to stop and make a detour. This is called our Intuition.

How can we detect the difference between feelings of earth-bound fear and warnings from intuition?

When we feel conflicted and scared to move forward, it is important to listen to your "reaction" and your feelings. Investigate where the feelings are coming from. Ask yourself what it is that you are afraid of? What are the solid fears that you have in making the decision? Is it validated? Is it concrete? Is it tangible? If you can decipher the fears that you have, and you can rationalize solutions to those fears, in other words come up with answers that are non-biased, or that cause more confusion and more fears to arise, they are more than likely simple earth-grounding fears.

However, once you have answered your questions, you have found your solutions, but you continue to feel uneasy, even anxious, revisit the notion that the feelings you are having are intuitive and therefore a message for you to be aware of.

Sometimes, our intuitive red warning flags will simply direct us to a different path to get to the same goal. Sometimes, they are a message to halt or that the timing is not quite right for this change.

Some time ago, my husband and I were approached with an opportunity that would be an answer to prayers we had both been seeking. The opportunity seemed solid, the individual who presented the opportunity was more than solid, they were a friend whose word we took as bond.

At the time, I suddenly felt sick with anxiety. I tried to interpret those feelings as simple nerves of excitement, but instinctively I knew better. I did not want to listen, especially because my husband was truly overjoyed. Instead of listening to my "gut" as I knew I should, I forged and created my own thought pattern to match that of my husband and tried to align myself with the opportunity.

I began to think in manner of manifesting the things that I wanted as outcome from the opportunity. As I began to grow physically sick from anxiety, I lied to myself and made myself believe that I was excited, to "ride the wave" of excitement. Any "bad" or "negative" or "adverse" thoughts that popped in to my head, I dismissed and recreated this idea of everything being as it should be, and the wonderful outcome that we would enjoy.

As time progressed, I began to see other "signs" about the person we considered a friend, wording used, avoidance of the subject, acting like a "spin doctor" and re-directing focus away from the subject. Finally, this person admitted that they felt that the opportunity may be a scam, but to continue holding out because there was still a chance that it might not be.

In our desperation and deepest desire, and not wanting to believe that this person we had embraced as a friend would steer us wrong, while every sense inside of us was screaming otherwise, we proceeded along.

Finally, we could not ignore and blatantly cast aside our doubts any longer and chose to pull away from the opportunity. The friend we thought we had, suddenly turned, and became the dark being that I had seen for some time in small glimpses here and there, but never fully showing themselves. While it was upsetting that the darkness of this individual became apparent, it was not shocking or disbelieving. It had already been told to me long ago, but I chose to ignore it.

Sometimes, we allow our human compassion and kindness to over-compensate for the truth of what is being presented. When these situations arise, we can shrivel up inside and disconnect ourselves from the world, from our environment, and from our Selves. We can turn the experience into a bitter resentment that will only fester. If we truly do not allow ourselves to learn from each experience, to come full circle to find forgiveness and release to be able to move forward, we can easily become lost.

Our intuition is a guide. It is not a metaphor nor is it mumbo jumbo. We have all felt it at some point in our lives. Most often, we choose to ignore that "gut" instinct and then when things turn adverse, we find fault outside our realm of individuality rather than accepting the responsibility, and embracing it as a lesson in learning, and lesson in growth.

The more we embrace these opportunities in learning, rather than fearing them, the faster we can move past them and grow out of them.

When we begin to hold on to the fear, the blame, and finger-pointing, the more these opportunities for growth and learning will present themselves and we become locked in a cycle, becoming a perpetual victim.

Our intuitions guide us. Stop the chaotic activity and take time to go into complete silence and listen.

Feel out what is being taught, what is being warned, what is being directed. Take your time. This is a life-long journey in learning.

There will be times when we falter, that is perfectly OK as long as we understand that we can still pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move forward.

When we remove the earth-bound need for turning attention away from ourselves and finding "blame", and the more we become introspective in our learning of situations, simply accepting them, giving gratitude for the experience of learning, being ready to forgive and/or apologise, the easier it will be for us to release, let go, and move on.

~ Namaste ~

_/|\_

©Leyla Hur

Introspection on Osama bin Laden's Death

2011-05-02T22:35:00.000-07:00

I admit, last night I got caught up in a momentary wave of excitement and jubilation over the killing of Osama bin Laden; but upon further contemplation, I began to see another picture. While I am glad that the worlds greatest mass-murderers in recent times is now gone, do I truly feel "happy" with his killing?

Martin Luther King Jr., aptly said "I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."

And when I reflect on all the feelings I have on capital punishment, is his killing really something that I can honestly rejoice over? My common thought in a capital punishment case, is to not kill a killer, giving him/her the luxury of a single closed cell, complete with TV, radio, typewriter (in some cases, computer), books, three-square meals a day, roof overhead, and bed, without threat from outside sources until a death where one is simply, and humanely put to sleep. But rather, put them in main-stream population where they have to watch their backs every single day for the rest of their natural lives. Maybe my thought process is cruel and unusual, but I also think that death can often be "too easy", especially in extreme cases of barbarism on the part of the offender.

Do I understand and empathize with the celebrations and the jubilations? Did I not say myself "the devil has been sent back to hell"? Yes I do and yes I did.

Someone told me that I was a product of a sick and perverse society, and in my momentary glee-filled jubilation, I agree that I was acting in such a way.

As I meditated upon my actions, my thoughts, and my feelings today, I updated my Facebook page as such: "In retrospect, I feel peace is so much healthier than revenge. I feel love is so much greater than hate. I feel that we are all on various paths and at different stages on each of those paths; acceptance, embracing, forgiving, and loving will be that which will bring us all inner-happiness and inner-balance." And this truly is how I feel.

When we get caught up in a moment, and these moments do arise, these "human-based emotion" moments, we do sometimes take a step on what is solid ground, what is "grounded", and we forget that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. We don't need to beat ourselves up for these feelings, or these emotions, but it is important to understand them and learn from them, especially if we are striving to live a balanced and Spirit-filled life.

Each experience we have is just that, an experience. There are no mistakes in life, just opportunities for learning. Last night, I had that opportunity. I embrace it and I learned from it.

Many years ago, when I was studying Kabbalah, I learned that each experience we encounter will create an action or a reaction on our part. When we react, it is nothing more than a giving us a mile-marker to know how far we have come, and what areas of our life we still must work on.

I am grateful for the experience, and I am grateful that I know what areas of my life I still must work on as I walk this path in this journey called "Life".

Namaste

©Leyla Hur

Laughter Truly IS The Best Medicine

2011-04-27T00:08:00.000-07:00

What do you do to have fun? I mean laugh out loud, roll on the floor laughing, belly-aching, fun?

Do you know that this is a really important component of life? When we are too serious and we do not permit fun in to our lives, we grow old faster and our very souls begin to "dry up".

We have one friend who is in his mid-30s who still makes "forts" at his house, and at other friends houses, just because. In describing these "forts" he makes, one is transported to the scene and can't help but laugh out loud. I am speaking about, entire living room "tents" made with sheets off of beds and blankets, pillows inside to sit on, and various household objects holding the "tent" in place.

The funniest thing about this is that he does this with his dates! And yes, even first time dates!

While my husband and I don't undertake the architecture of "fort-building", we'll make funny videos and engage in silly little role-playing.

Sometimes, being "immature" is a healthy thing, it's a positive thing, and it keeps us young.

Do you know that in India there is a phenom called "Laughter Yoga" and this has spread far and wide across the world?

In the mid-80s I was a teenager who was concerned with the whole "image" thing, and any and every little thing adults around me did was a major embarrassment.

One afternoon, my Mum and her best friend and I were at lunch at the Jockey Club in Hong Kong. We'd long finished lunch and had spent quite some time talking, when suddenly Aunty Primrose's face lit up. She had recently learned about this "Laughter Yoga" and decided that right there, in the middle of the Jockey Club restaurant was the time and place to exercise her new studies.

She suddenly began laughing completely and totally out of the blue. Then she began making all kinds of funny faces at us, sticking her tongue out, hands fanned at her ears, it was hilarious. Mum and I looked at her, looked at each other, and then could not help but begin laughing. The more we laughed, the more she laughed; the more she laughed, the more we laughed. It was a beautiful, vivacious cycle of laughter, of fun, and of being completely and totally present.

Out of the blue, I stopped laughing and asked "What are we laughing at?" This just fueled even more laughter what was completely and totally infectious.

Our bellies ached, our faces were wet with the tears that had streamed down them, washing our eyes, and we felt amazing. We felt good. We felt... light.

Several years ago, my girlfriend and I went to see a movie, it was a comedy but it was not particularly funny. However, there was something that my friend saw in the movie that struck her, and she began into a fit of laughter. Her laughter is loud and vivacious and the more she laughed, the more I laughed, the more the audience began laughing; no one was laughing at the movie anymore... or even watching the movie, but each time Cynthia laughed, the entire theatre erupted in uncontrolled laughter.

We laughed so hard, we laughed ourselves into an asthma attack and out came the inhalers, which only made us laugh more.

At the end of the movie, we were laughing so hard that we could hardly walk down the steps. I could hear other patrons saying "They're still laughing" and burst into new fits of laughter.

Laughter is a fabulous workout. It's great for the soul, it's great for the body, and it takes years off as far as health benefits go.

I am sure you have heard the terminology "Laughter is the best medicine", and it truly is. I have had friends who have beaten breast cancer without treatment but by pure determination, change in mind-set, refusal to accept the "C" label, and who laughed themselves well. They ensured that they lived each day having fun, making fun, and being fun.

Of course, each individual is different and many do choose to go the route of medicine, and that is truly up to the individual, but even so, laugh... have fun... be fun... just live with a lightness in your heart and a smile on your soul.

That's how I choose to live my life.

Here's the little silly video my husband and I made tonight... Hope it makes you chuckle.

©Leyla Hur
All Rights Reserved. Copying, altering, displaying or redistribution of this material without written permission from the author is strictly prohibited.

Sai Baba and Me

2011-04-26T16:28:00.000-07:00

"Love all, serve all; help ever, hurt never."
~ Sathya Sai Baba

On Easter Sunday morning, many around the world woke up to the joy of the knowledge of the Resurrection of their Lord and Saviour. Many around the world got dressed in their finest clothes to attend services in their

Sathya Sai Baba

local churches celebrating the life and the works of Jesus the Christ. It was a day of celebration, it was a day of renewal, a day of life, and a day of rebirth.

During this same time, many people around the world awoke to the sad news that their beloved Swami Sathya Sai Baba had passed from this incarnation in India.

It was news that saddened me also. And it was me who would have to break this news to my already grieving mother.

Sai Baba has featured largely in my life for my entire life. My mother became a devotee of his back in the 1970s when I was still a little girl. I have memories of Thursday evening bhajan's (type of Indian devotional song) at the Sai Center in Tsim Sha Tsui (Hong Kong), a tiny apartment with all the bedroom walls knocked out to make a "hall" of types where we sat, women on one side of the room, and men on the other, singing, chanting, meditating, clapping, laughing, and "feeling".

I remember afterwards receiving little candies that Baba had materialized and someone had brought back from a recent trip to his Ashram in Puttaparthi, or other little sweet delights that just brought a delightful end to a meaningful prayer session.

It was a life in which I grew up, and it fit in perfectly with every other aspect of my life.

Sai Baba's photos were found throughout our home, to the degree that sometimes I'd bring a new friend home, and they would ask if he was my father!

Sai Baba's teachings were not of religion, or which religion was "right" and which was "wrong" as so often we encounter within the bonds of religion. His was a teaching of peace, of love, of acceptance of all human beings regardless of colour, religion, society status, sexual orientation, it was not about the mundane things of the world that so many of us hold to, it was higher, deeper, elevated. He taught that he was God as we are all God; "I am God. You too are God. The only difference between you and me is that while I am aware of it, you are completely unaware." It is something that I have taught often.

And it was because of these teachings that people from all walks of life, from all over the world, celebrity (the likes of Goldie Hawn, Ricky Martin, Issac Tigrett [founder of The Hard Rock Cafe], cricket champion Sachin Tendulkar, to name only a few) and common-man alike, turned to him and learned from him, and enriched their lives because of applying his teachings.

Baba said “Life is a challenge, meet it! Life is a dream, realize it! Life is a game, play it! Life is Love, enjoy it!” It was under this mantra, that I grew up, I learned, and I lived; and I continue to do so to this day, and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

He truly was a miracle man and did perform many miracles. Two very dear friends of my Mum and avid-devotees had experiences that were almost unbelievable had I not witnessed them with my own eyes. Knowing these women, I knew them to be honest, upstanding, and absolute in their faith.

One friend was lent a photo of Baba from another friend who had recently been to his ashram and who had received a materialized medallion (a blessing) from Baba. The photo was framed and at the time, the lady to
whom this photo was lent was praying for a miracle to occur. Each night she prayed and each morning she prayed. One day she found that on the photo itself (inside the glass) was forming the holy ash that Sai Baba is known to materialize, vibhuti. By the time I saw the photo, the ash was thick under the glass and was covering most of the photo. It was truly an amazing miracle.

An example of the miracle of Sai Baba's vibhuti manifesting
in photos

After returning that particular photo to the original owner, she purchased another photo and she has had the new photo continuing to manifest vibhuti on it, under the glass.

When I wrote to inform her of Baba's passing, she told me that that very morning, the vibhuti from Baba's head on her photo had disappeared and she had wondered why.

Another friend, we knew in Malaysia, was also a devout devotee. She woke up one morning to find ash all through her house, the more she swept and cleaned, the more materialized. Once again, if I had not seen it for myself and with my own eyes, I would not have believed it, or at least questioned it.

Baba manifesting vibhuti

Baba was a huge part of my life. He still is. I have experienced my own miracles with him, those that I still hold close to me. This week, Baba left this incarnation. While he left this physical presence, he is closer to us now than he was ever before. His miracles will continue. His life will continue in all of us who are devotees of his message, his works, and his life. He can never die, as long as we continue.

It is said he will return, be reincarnated as Prema Sai Baba which will be the third and last of the triple Avatar incarnation of Shirdi Sai Baba and Sathya Sai Baba.

Prema Sai Baba

"Sathya Sai Baba made several claims about when Prema Sai Baba will be born - estimates range from one year after his death (which would mean 2012) to eight years after (which would mean 2019). Prema Sai "will be born in Karnataka (the old Mysore State), at a place between Bangalore and the city of Mysore". Some of Sai Baba's devotees add that he once said that Prema Sai Baba will be born and/or live in or near Srirangapatna. Sathya Sai Baba died on April 24, 2011 at age 84 (though he considered himself to be 85 as he was in his 85th year)." [Source]

I believe he lives on. I continue to live by his teachings, they make sense, they traverse the bounds of religion and apply to all mankind. While my tears fall at his passing from this physical incarnation, I do take comfort in the knowing that he was such a great part of my life and that much of my life and how I live it, is because of his teachings of peace and love.

On the day that many around the Christian-world celebrated the Resurrection and eternal life of their Saviour, we mark the life and journey of Sathya Sai Baba, and his entrance in to eternal life. It was an auspicious day for his departure from this incarnation, and lends many devotees to the belief that he truly was an incarnation of Jesus who returned Home, chosen on that specific day.

Whatever the truth behind it is, he no longer walks among us in the physical, and many over time have chosen their own beliefs about Sai Baba, but those of us who knew, who love, and who believe, all we can do is repeat back to you the words of this great Avatar “Before you speak, think -Is it necessary? Is it true? Is it kind? Will it hurt anyone? Will it improve on the silence?”

Jai Sai Ram. Om Sai Ram. Sri Sai Ram. Shanti, Shanti Om.

©Leyla Hur

Life's Curveball

2011-04-11T20:10:00.000-07:00

Life changes in an instant.

I have had this experience too many times to recount.

I remember waking up one morning in 1999 to find my husband missing. Several days of worry and wonder at where he was "this time" came to an end when, three days later I woke up to news that he had killed himself.

In July 2010, I woke up one morning and went about my day, only to receive a phone call in the afternoon with news that my beloved father had died suddenly.

This morning, I woke up, began my day, had several things I was going to accomplish, and then learned news that my dearest friend had been in a severe accident.

The point I am trying to make is not what happened to these individuals, the point is how do we deal when we are faced with such situations. The point is examining ourselves up until the point of devastating news. The point is making a mark that matters each and every moment of our lives. The point is telling those you love "I love you" at every opportunity, and truly mean it from the bottom of your heart. The point is loving our Selves deeply, truly, and completely and being OK with our Selves no matter what is happening in our environment.

While I am still reeling from the news of this day, and I try to find my balance within the day, I can't help but think of the events leading up to the day.

While it is true that I am not living in someone else's brain and am not God to be omnipotent and know everything, I still ponder... that is a normal human emotional reaction to question.

As humans, we feel we need to know the answers to everything at every given moment, especially when we are affected. But to what end?

As humans we ask "why?" and "How could this be?" to that point that we often drive ourselves crazy, and sometimes driving ourselves into faithlessness, anger, and hatred. While these are "normal" human reactions to situations, we must also know when to let go and let it just be.

This is one of the hardest things to do. To not allow our minds to drive us to places of craziness in over-thinking, over-analysing, and over-doing. Sometimes, things are just as they are; there is always a reason, but maybe that reason is not ours to know (just yet). Maybe it is not ours to know ever.

Re-playing situations and events out in our minds over and over again, does not change the outcome. Learning from a situation can better help us understand ourselves and our reaction to the event. Will it make a difference for further events should they arise, it can and sometimes it doesn't as human emotion can sometimes outweigh and overcome rational thought.

Getting locked and lost in a moment of time, without it being able to change the outcome, just holds us back from the reason for being in the exact place and time we were when the event or situation happened.

Nothing happens to us without reason. It might not be our reason, and to understand this, one has to go outside of themselves to accept that there may possibly be a greater energy force at play.

After my first husband killed himself, I became homeless within 2 1/2 days. For a long time, I got lost in the "whys" and "how comes" and "what could I do differently's". The fact remained that nothing I could have done would have saved his life if HE did not want it to be saved. At the time, there was nothing I could do to change the situation to which I became homeless.

What I learned from that experience was that life sends us curve-balls, sometimes on a more continual basis. Maybe the curve-balls are sent to show us how strong we are to overcome. Maybe they are sent to change us from one situation to another (one path to another) that is more suited to us. Most often, the curve-balls are not easy to bear. They are not fun. They are uncomfortable, but that is why they are called "curve-balls". How we deal with them is the key to our learning and our growth.

Each of us has potential for growth. If we did not, we would not still be in this life, walking the path of a human being. But sadly, too many of us get locked in to place. We get locked in to the situation and life we are in, because change is scary, uncomfortable, and at times too difficult to grapple with.

Too many of us get stuck. We may not like the situations we are in, but we are more comfortable staying the course of the known, than traversing the path of the unknown and potentially experiencing something amazing.

There is a saying about the grass being greener on the other side of the fence. Sometimes it is. But if we are not willing to explore, and take a chance, take a risk, we will never know. We will only dream of the rumours that occur.

Sometimes, we take that leap of faith and find ourselves standing in a briar patch. That is OK too because often it is not the destination, but the journey to the destination that is where the learning and the experience comes.

Once our minds are expanded, they can never constrict back to where they once were.

The more we ask "why" from an outside source, and the less we ask "why" within ourselves and then traverse a path of learning to understand what OUR "why" is, the more we will continue to be locked in the groove we have created for ourselves.

When things happen "to us", we can shut ourselves down and shut everyone out, and get lost within the constant loop of replaying what happened; or we can jump off the wheel that is spinning furiously around us, and create a positive change in our life.

Death is never an answer to that change. It leaves behind a trail of unendings, pain, more questions, and cyclular events. It traps others into a web of attitude and devastation.

When death occurs in the natural frame work of time, it is more easily understood and more readily answered. But the taking of ones life, the thought of taking ones life, is not an answer.

Death does not end our current situation, but rather it perpetuates it on a grander scale. This experience of life is for learning, for gathering information, and for experiencing everything - including some of the most difficult and painful moments. To take away that life sends us into a tailspin of having to address the issues in a different place, a different time, but nevertheless still having to address them.

Death is easy. The contemplation of dying is the hardest part. The actual death process is easy. I know, I have done it time and time again.

I too have contemplated, gotten lost in the depths of misery, and attempted to take my own life on more than a few occasions. Once the mind is made up, everything else is easy.

But it is not worth it. The consequences, the climbing back, is all the more difficult than starting to create a change in environment, attitude, and visualization right where one is standing now.

I understand this issue from both sides of the fence, having done it and having it done "to" me. And I have learned some of my greatest lessons from it.

When that black cloud of despair, depression, and pain lifts, and the light begins to infiltrate again, perspectives change.

If that black, suffocating, pain-filled cloud is settling around you right now; burst through your own emotions, find that determination within yourself and seek a positive and creative change. Do not get lost in it, do not get trapped in it. There is a greater answer, a more positive solution and that curve-ball CAN be caught, and then ran with.

Know that you are NEVER alone. You are of infinite worth. You are a precious commodity here upon this earth to share of your Self, your Light, your Love, and your wisdom and knowledge with others. Each one of us has just cause to be here at this very moment in time and at this very place. There is only one way to go from here, and that it up the path of learning, success, and to do it with love.

YOU are loved beyond your greatest imaginings and you are NEEDED beyond that which you can comprehend, and so often by those who do not voice it. Hold to that truth and that knowledge and keep walking the path, it WILL get easier in time, I promise you this.

I celebrate YOU in ALL your glory, your beauty, your wisdom, your Being-ness. Please take a moment to look in the mirror and celebrate and love YOU as I see you and love you.

Celebrating your magnificence!

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

United States National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Australia Lifeline: 131114
Samaritans UK: 08457 90 90 90
Samaritans ROI: 1850 60 90 90
Samaritans Hong Kong: 23822007

INTERNATIONAL World-Wide Suicide & Crisis Hotlines:
http://suicidehotlines.com/international.html

©Leyla Hur

Springtime Ecstasy

2011-04-10T14:19:00.000-07:00

Today is a glorious Sunday in the Valley of the Sun.

After yesterday's rain, hail, and cold temperatures it has freshened things up. The wind is blowing a little more than lightly and it sings its song through the leaves of the trees, and dances off the wind chimes whose soft voice intermingles with the sweet song of the birds chirping away.

The breeze is cool, the skies, a brilliant azure with a puff of white cloud here and there. It is a sky that one can get lost in as it draws you in to its beauty and depth. Stories of the ages whispered into your being as you raise further and further into the magic of the vortex.

I dream of laying out on the lush green grass in the garden, its softness awakening my senses as I feel the little bristles of individual blades of grass gently poking my bare skin. The wind rushes over me while the sun touches my skin in the places the cool breeze has brushed, lending it warmth to the game. It is an erotic dance of the senses, hot and cold licking and teasing my body. Mother Nature in her finest and Spring-time truly bursting forth in a dance of fertility, love, and passion. This dance raises in fervor until the shudder of chills and ecstasy bursts in pure energy orgasm, delighting the senses intermingling with the theme of the season, amplifying the intensity in the beauty of this day.

Spring-time moments of beauty, passion, and enjoyment are what entice me on this beautiful Sunday.

Taking a mere moment in reflection of the nature that is around us, the passion in the season, the beauty of the moment, and the enjoyment that is life.

©Leyla Hur

Bald IS Beautiful!

2011-04-08T14:04:00.000-07:00

[First posted June 15th 2010]

Last week I made a mega decision to create an indelible change in my life. It was not only a physical change, but one which I knew would have to come with an attitude because it was a change that would… garner looks.

I questioned myself, my reasons, and if I truly had the “guts” to go through with it. Not only that, but I questioned where this idea had come from.

So what was this huge change in my life?

I shaved my hair!

Many have asked me why I did it, my mother completely freaked out, whereas others think its “cool”.

So, why did I do it?

My husband and I have joked that maybe I am going through a ‘mid-life crisis’, but it goes much deeper than that.

I believe that during the course of a person’s life, one goes through different “phases”. In each phase, change occurs; sometimes this change is intense and creates a massive wave, while other times it is subtle, sometimes so subtle that many don’t even notice it.

The point of the change is not the magnitude of the physical change (if there are any), but rather the change that is created on the inside, the change which creates an expansion of the individuals mind and environment.

In each phase, the individual goes through a “finding myself” stage. This does not necessarily mean that through the previous years the person does not know who they are, but sometimes it does. But what I apply to this stage is the finding of who the person is in this new stage of their life, and helping them with expansion of the mind in experience, learning, and opportunity.

Like almost every person on this planet, I have followed societies stigma of who to be, how to be, what to be, when to be, etc. My parents instilled these “rules of society” deep within me. Mother often teaching me what a “lady” can do and what she must never do; and shaving one’s hair is definitely not a “norm” in society.

While I lived this life of being the person that everyone expected me to be, I kept a large part of myself buried.

In the past several months, I have had some pretty dramatic health scares and major changes in my life. These situations often bring people to start examining their lives and looking at parts of themselves that they had not truly explored before. We often hear of such stories from individuals who “give everything up” to follow their dream of acting, or singing, or sports. Are they truly “giving everything up”, or are they simply expanding their horizons and adding a new dimension to their Being-ness?

As I examined the dimensions of my Self that I wanted to explore and create as a part of my Being, I felt this person aching to burst forward; and I literally felt this as a pain in the middle of my chest… my heart chakra area.

Many of my friends’ first questions to me when they see me for the first time are 1) Why and 2) What does your husband think?

And I know that this is just human society's rules, but I am left wondering WHY are they asking what my husband thinks? Why is that so important? As if what he thinks is the deciding factor for their opinion on the matter.

It leaves me believing that we are still living in a world where the opinion of one’s husband is more important than the support of one’s independent decision.

So, let me put to rest your own burning question; my husband was extremely supportive of my decision, in fact, he not only encouraged it, but he is the one who took the clippers to my hair and took it all off for me! He loves it!

The other question I am asked is “how do YOU like it?”

A very reasonable question; because the decision to cut one’s locks, especially when they have been half-way down ones back, is a huge one… take it one step further and take it all off… Now we enter a whole new arena, one of being “brave”.

So, how do I like it?

I don’t…

I LOVE it!!!

This is where it gets strangely amazing, I feel more beautiful today as I sit here typing sans hair (oh yes, we just shaved it again as it had started to get “long”), than how I have ever felt with hair on a “good hair day”!

I not only feel beautiful, I feel empowered, brave, strong, and fearless.

This brings me to the story of Samson. They say all his strength lay in his hair; well he must have truly been one vain guy to feel the need for long locks to have that intensity of strength, because I feel that same intensity now that I am hairless! ;o)

I have had quite a few good inside chuckles this past week living as a bald woman, going out proudly displaying my lack of hair; the first was the day after I had shaved it off, and we were in a department store. Of course, as human curiosity is such, I was garnering quite a few looks… and even more stares; my husband instinctively put his arm around my waist as we walked. Normally, my husband will hold my hand, but this sudden lack of hair and complete “exposure” to the world brought out his protective nature.

It is really very amazing how society deems what is “right” and what is not “quite right”; I have keenly observed individuals reactions to my lack of locks and how different age groups react. Children up to about the age of 10 don’t seem to care. They either don’t look, or they see ME and not what is “missing”.

Two great examples happened on Thursday night while attending a wake, and Saturday afternoon when visiting friends. On Thursday night, I was introduced to the six year old Great Grandson of the lady who had passed, and he and I engaged in a bit of a conversation; not once did his eyes venture to the top of my head and he carried on his portion of the conversation without any questions. On Saturday, while visiting friends, their three year old daughter carried on speaking with me as she has done in the past without any notice that suddenly I had something missing, or different.

And as I observe children, they don’t seem to notice anything different. But when observing teenagers, they openly stop in their tracks to stare. They nudge one another and point me out. They speak to me but can’t seem to move their eyes down from the top of my head to my eyes. To this age range, I must seem a freak of nature.

Adults are fun! They look but try to make it seem like they are not looking. Sideways glances, quick observances – several times in succession; looks of compassion, questioning, and the indelible “why?” looks. Other’s will be polite in their conversation, but don’t dare to ask. Many will think I’ve either got cancer, or I am a lesbian, a skin head, or I am just bonkers.

So my question is this; so what if I have cancer? Or if I am a lesbian? Or that I am just bonkers? I won’t answer the “skin head” debate considering that I am of so much mixed blood the idea that I could possibly be prejudiced or racist is just ludicrous. Plus, research has shown that we ALL originate from Africa, so my argument to skinheads and radical racists is that they are simply hating what is in the mirror!

If I did have cancer, is it my responsibility to somehow find a covering to hide my bare head? Is having cancer still such a stigma, or is it that people just don’t want to be reminded that there are such illnesses in the world?

If I were a lesbian, would it be imperative that I be lopped into a stereotype? Does it automatically mean that I am the “butch” in the relationship? Interestingly enough, all my friends who are lesbian tell me that there is not one or other “above” in the partnership, that theirs is equality across the board. Does that tell us something about the way “normal” heterosexual couples are in their relationships, that one is “more equal” than the other?

And what if; shock, horror, gasp; I have chosen this look on my own volition? Does this deem me a mad-hatter? A loony? Someone who should immediately seek psychiatric help because there is obviously something “wrong” with me?

My mother’s belief, once she had gotten over the initial shock and horror of the “news”, is that I should stay locked away in my house until it all grows back. Or that if I should venture out, oh the horror of that; I should cover my head with hats, scarves, turbans, or wigs.

So I guess it comes down to this; what deems beauty? Does a full head of hair make a woman more beautiful? Society seems to think this. But how then does one answer that my lack of hair has made me feel more beautiful, more confident than I ever have in my life previously (and I’ve been pretty well-grounded in that area in my past)?

I read an article about female celebrities who had decided to take it all off, and an “expert” suggesting that this is ‘not for everyone’, that it takes a certain characteristic to carry it off. Someone who is bold, outrageous, generally courageous are those who can carry it off perfectly; of course along with someone who has an “oval” or “heart-shaped” face. BOLLOCKS!

In taking my hair off, it has CAUSED me to feel braver, bolder, more courageous, and more outrageous; it has CREATED this, NOT the other way round!

I think the most amazing part of this whole experience are the number of girlfriends who have told me that they have “secretly” wanted to do this for years, but never had “the guts to”.

What has also been inspiring is to hear how many friends, and fans, have told me how beautiful I am. Several have told me how shocked they are that I am as beautiful as I am because they were concerned how it would suit me.

In the end, I did this for me; many deep reasons which are incredibly personal, and for some that I have shared. And I hope that in my actions it will empower others to take that chance that they have wanted to do for a long time.

Look, life is short, and if we don’t step outside of our comfort zone to create something amazing, then we’ll end up having regrets. Just do it. Whatever it is that you have been itching to do, just create the experience; and if you don’t love it, stop; but no matter what, I promise you that you will love YOU for taking the risk, stepping outside of your norm, and having an experience!

Thoughts without action are meaningless! If you don’t try something new, you will never know, and isn’t it better to know something, and know if you like or dislike it, and being completely ignorant of the fact? It’s not about doing it for anyone else, it’s all about doing it for you and where it can take you.

©Leyla Hur

Take the Plunge!

2011-04-08T14:01:00.000-07:00

[First Posted June 16th 2010]

Have you ever stepped to the edge of a diving board, your stomach in knots with anticipation, but yet you hold back from jumping?

The knots in your stomach turn into butterflies of excitement at the prospect of diving off this small plank, and embraced into the arms of the water below you, but still you hold back.

Or have you ever appeared in a play, and just before your scene, your stomach in complete turmoil, nerves and shakes rack your body, you know that you simply must proceed forward, there is no turning back as you stand on the stage and the curtain raises.

Often, we have a burning desire to do something in life... maybe its walking up to that cute guy, or girl, and saying "Hi" with the hopes that it'll go somewhere; or maybe applying for the job that you have dreamed about since you were knee-high to a grasshopper.

Have you ever stood on that diving board, and the nerves over come you and you turn around and walk back to the safety of solid ground?

Have you fled the rising curtain, or allowed fear to overcome you to mute your mouth?

Did you kick yourself for not saying "Hi" to that cute guy (or girl); or not applied for that dream job?

Why did you turn away from progression? Was it fear that held you back? Was it words of others etched deep within your psyche which caused to you believe that you simply "couldn't"?

If you did not already know this, those butterflies, the knots, they are nothing more than the adrenaline coursing through you and pooling in your center. Adrenaline usually works to push you to jump, make the move, take that risk; but too often we allow self-defeating thoughts, fears, and others words and ideals to hold us back.

How do you think it would feel to live a life without regret, without turning around and walking away from the experience you wish for? What if we could progress on a journey where we only walked forward?

The truth is, we ARE on that journey of progressing forward, we actually don't go backwards, that is nothing more than a state of mind that creates an illusion of "two steps forward, five steps backwards"... those two steps forward is the expansion in the experiences in your life. Have you ever been on one of those moving pavements? When you step on to them, they carry you forward, life is akin to this.When we seemingly "go backwards" we are simply halting ourselves for the forward journey, which we are already on anyway, and we revise the past. I believe that we do that to learn the lessons we have missed.

I have been thinking about this a lot recently. Maybe it's the lack of hair that has lifted any "clouding" on my thoughts, who knows, but I do know that I've had quite a few experiences lately where I have been told that I move forward so much, but then go backwards.

Hmph... this was something I needed to truly examine. How often have I been on the very verge of letting certain thoughts flow out of my mouth which would change so much in my life, or stood on the edge of the diving board only to fight my way through the crowd to get back to solid ground? And don't get me wrong, sometimes holding back is a good thing; but unless we experience the bad together with the good, we will never know.

How many times over the years have I been bursting to express my artistic side only to hold back because it wouldn't be approved on by society?

How many times have I walked forward from the abuse in my first marriage and in other aspects of my life, having clarity of revelation, only to walk straight back into the same cycle of abuse; maybe on a very different scale, but abuse nonetheless?

But was I truly taking backward steps? No, I don't think so. But what I do believe is that I was recreating an experience because there were things I had not yet learned and so I'd revisit those times to find different outcomes and new revelations about who I was, and how far I had truly come.

There have been some around me who feel that I live in a cycle that trends; my shaving my hair was a definite reminder to break out of that cycle. And yes, I certainly DID feel those nerves and butterflies when my husband was shaving my hair off, but taking that plunge was so worth it.

So I ask you, what is it that you desire but lack that courage to move forward? What is stopping you and why?

Since I posted my last blog about 24-hours ago, I've had several emails from women who have expressed to me that they were right on the edge of that diving board, that they had been there for a while, but fear had prevented them from taking the plunge.

Gosh, how many years do we want to stand on the edge and not take that plunge? The experience of jumping freely into oblivion is exhilarating, freeing, empowering.

Stop putting the emotional road blocks in front of you and just take the plunge. Whether the plunge you want to take is successful or not is not the focus, the fact that you took action is most important.

Imagine if I really hated the way I looked bald. I still would not have any regrets, and I'll tell you why... for one, I know that hair grows back and I could simply walk around with hats and scarves for a few weeks, or even invest in a wig or two and see how that worked out. And two, the fact that I DID it, I took the chance, jumped into the water and felt that feeling of soaring coarse through my body, was worth it.

So if you want to say "Hi" to that cute guy or girl, and even go as far as ask them out; just do it. If they reject you, so what? YOU extended yourself out of your comfort zone and you did it. Their answer is only the second part of the experience, the main experience is that you did it. And hey, a date is not a marriage proposal and life-time commitment!

If you apply for that dream job and hate it, well you know that it was not for you; but the thing is is that you KNOW.

Several years ago, I was reading a book and a in a part of the book (which was written by an Orthodox Jewish Rabbi), he expressed that he did not believe in God. Initially a shock factor to hear such a devout man saying he did not believe in the presence of a being that he professes to on a daily basis; however, he went on to explain that he did not believe because belief leaves room for doubt, rather he KNEW God existed, because when you know something, there leaves no more room for doubt or question.

With that, I encourage you to experience everything in your life; feeleverything, each emotion, each experience, everything, because then you willknow what you truly like and dislike, therefore truly knowing YOU.

In the movie "Yes Man", Jim Carey's character attends a seminar and he is given the challenge to say "yes" to everything, every opportunity, every question, everything. While the movie takes it to a different extreme, the premise that is important is to see how his life changed and how much happier he was, how his horizons expanded with each new experience. I encourage you to take a week, or two, or three and say "Yes" to those things that you might not ordinarily say "yes" to; within legal reason of course.

Life is about having fun. Life IS fun, but we just limit ourselves, we place stereotypes on ourselves and others, and we conform to what others thoughts of "normalcy" is. Even for just one day, let things slide off your back, smile often, laugh even more, take at least one step out side of your comfort zone and see how you feel. If you like it, do it again tomorrow, and the day after; and record how you feel, how things in your psyche and environment change, how people around you change in reaction to your change.

I'd love to hear your comments, thoughts, and experiences, so please feel free to leave them for me below.

Celebrating your magnificence!

©Leyla Hur

Confession of Bad Hair Days

2011-04-08T13:56:00.000-07:00

[First Posted June 18th 2010]

Last year, I was interviewed by a freelance journalist asking my opinion of individuals applying for jobs who were, either bald or balding. They asked me, what advice I could give as an Empowerment Consultant to individuals who were having confidence issues when applying for a job because of their hair, or lack thereof.

I have been thinking about this situation during this last week. At the time I was contacted, I had a full head of hair, but I had been going through my own very private self-conscious shame and pain as my own hair had been thinning considerably since being ill in ’01 and ’02; and after the coma in ’02 it seemed to be coming out in clumps.

In my youth, I had a thick head of hair, so thick in fact that my Mum had difficulty getting the “bubble” around my ponytail. My hair was often talked about in such a way that I would sway from feelings of guilt because I had so much “more” than some of the older lady friends who visited us, to feelings of pride at how thick and lush it was.

As a teenager, I experimented with lightening my hair (much to my mother’s chagrin), and I’d cut it short a few times. The first time when I was 11 and the “Princess Diana-look” was popular; I loved that hair-do.

Then I started puberty, and my hair “suffered” with extreme oiliness. I was told so many different things, from washing it twice a day to not washing it for several days, washing it with vinegar, rinsing it with beer, bleaching it, etc… nothing worked, and I had to learn to manage with having constant “bad hair days”, as almost every high school photo mercilessly showed.

But always, my hair was a main focal point. My mother always raved about it, and styled it in ways that would make me cringe, and sadly I have too many photos that remind me of those moments in humiliation when “the comb” was brought out.

In my early 20s, I entered into the world of modeling and my very first “gig” was a hair show. They loved the length of my hair, the colour, the thickness, the healthiness and thought that my hair… along with my “look” was a perfect marriage for their show.

So, the bunch of us girls who were “hand-picked” were loaded into a van and driven to a hotel and herded into a room that had been transformed from a simple bedroom to a full blown salon; with the bathtub serving as the “hair washing” station.

My hair was cut, permed, and rolled into tiny rolls and pinned to my head. I was told to not take the pins out that night, to basically sleep sitting up so as not to mess the “process”, and to arrive early the next morning so that they could maneuver these little curl rolls into the fabulous “do” which I was to model. Yes, the things we have done to satisfy vanity, not just our own, but others as well.

And as had often been the case over the years when I had my hair done, it look great – at first; but then, a day later… I had to wash my hair. From the moment hair dryer hit hair I was left with a fuzzy nest on top of my head, with long strands hanging down at the nape of my neck. I now had to figure out what to do with the fuzz… too short to roll into a bun, I lived with hats covering my head for the next several weeks, until finally I could stand it no longer and chopped off the long strands, leaving my hair with a cute curly bob reminiscent of when I was 16 – this, I knew what to do with.

The thought of shaving it all off and letting it “start again” never even crossed my mind in those days, that was an extreme left to those who had had chemo or alopecia, not me; I was, after all, a model and I NEEDED my hair. Of course, in those days’ super models that graced the runways sans hair was not quite the rave; sheesh having a tattoo automatically rendered one “undesirable” for the modeling world; so no hair… not even an option. How far we have come!

Years later, as my hair began to thin, I was so self-conscious about it that I had a classic ‘comb-over’, only having long hair and being a woman, it was carried well. But even still, I would often have my husband check my hair to make sure all the “bald spots” were covered well while we were out.

It was a silent shame that I lived with for many years. I could not even contemplate a “short cut” because I feared that it would not leave enough for cover up.

The norms of society dictated that my having thinning hair was something I had to fear, something I had to feel shame about – as if it was a situation which I had created all on my very own.

I started seeing more and more women whose hair was thinning, and each time, I felt this overwhelming fear that eventually that would be me.

While I was empowering people in my day-to-day life, I had this incredible deep secret that I shielded from the world.

In the interview, I had mentioned that having a bald head was not what was important but rather the manner in which a person carried themselves. Even referring back to my years when I had worked as a headhunter (Executive Search) in Hong Kong, and the scrutinizing way we looked at people; we looked at their grooming, their presentation, and the confidence with which they carried themselves. Balding heads were never commented about as it was never seen as a flaw, especially if a person had confidence in themselves and their abilities.

But that was “everyone else” and I was not them; this was my own very private nightmare, and I felt like I was drowning in the fear that people could “see” this flaw and, I confess that, I felt shamed not only at feeling like it was a flaw, but also that it was actually happening to me.

Hair is deemed by society as such an important part of a person’s makeup. In some cultures it’s the worth of a human being, in other cultures it’s the measure of a person’s virility and fertility. My own fertility issues came into question and I wondered if my losing hair was actually telling me that I was useless and the world could see this, I mean it’s not like I had any children to show them otherwise, right?

This deeply private secret was crippling me in so many ways, and it began to hound in on my personal life and relationships. Hair products were my best friend and each trip to the salon, I’d ask if there was anything I could do or take to help re-grow my hair to its original thickness. I even contemplated using Rogaine until a friend gave me her theory of it causing hair to start growing in places other than where it was intended as it’d run off to such places while in the shower. I investigated hair plugs, hair transplants, weaves, extensions; but each step had its own side effects which could be devastating. Each trip to the salon was made by special arrangement to go and have my hair styled when the shop was closed so that no one would know my personal shame.

The more I delved in to my work, motivating and empowering people, the deeper my insides sunk as I felt like I was somehow being deceptive. I mean, how could I be motivating and empowering people when I was struggling with my own, very real and devastating issues?

After I was diagnosed with diabetes and other health ailments in September ’09, I realized that these crippling issues I was dealing with had manifested themselves into physical dis-abilities. It was around the same time when I came to this realization that I began to get flashbacks to abuse I had suffered in my past; abuse that was outside of my previous abusive marriage, abuse that extended far into my earliest cognitive memories. I tried to understand why… HOW… I had attracted to me the kind of man who would abuse me in the way he had. In my digging deep, I came to many deeply painful realizations. I saw how my life pattern had been developed and the pattern I had continued to follow.

I saw how I was intensely controlling of myself and of those closest to me. I saw how I was repeating patterns which I had vowed to never allow into my life again. In many instances, I would speak and I would no longer hear my own voice, but the voice/words of those who had oppressed me. And while I was doing it all under the guise of love and caring, it helped me to understand where the originators had come from also.

Often, abuse is not characterized by individual’s intent on hurting or abusing; and any therapist will tell you that abuse stems from the need for power and control. Most often, these individuals don’t realize that they are acting out the role of abuser. Parents can fall into this category, often under the guise of love and protection which they believe they are carrying out. They work with the best that they have, the knowledge that they are given in their own up-bringing, the views of the world and their protective instincts to shield their beloved child from the pain and hurts of the world. Sometimes, the best intentions can cause a situation which leads to a life of confusion, lack of self-esteem, complexes and more in the very individuals whom parents had sought to protect from these emotions and experiences.

For many, realization of abuse leads to blame, hate, anger, sadness, and many other emotions; and I admit that my own realizations lead to many of the same emotions. The things I am most grateful for is a loving and understanding husband, who is emotionally extremely healthy who is always there to help me steer my course without taking the reins; as well as my own background in empowerment consulting, specifically helping individuals find their truth, moving past the bubble of prior abuse, and turning obstacles into opportunity.

I admit, when I first broached the idea in my mind about shaving my hair off, it was done so in jest – a running joke within my own psyche, the 15-year-old in me that was rebelling against my mother and “the establishment” and what they would have thought.

The more the thought came to me, the more I realized that the thought was not my own; but rather something being filtered in by some unknown force… The more I examined this absurd thought and in asking why on earth I would actually do this, the more I received the strong and solid answer that if I found that braveness within myself, I would be doing this for no one other than me. Maybe this was the final step in letting go, releasing, creating the positive change and seeing the constant reminder WHY.

Usually, I am someone who does things immediately and then figure it out as I am on the path. This was actually one of the first times in my life where I really examined an idea, weighed it out. Of course, I could not know what the outcome would be until I had experienced it; if I hated it what would be my reaction? What if it looked like crap? It wouldn’t be as if I could simply glue it back on. I had to weigh everything up and be absolute when I made the commitment… IF I were to make the commitment.

The process evolved naturally for me.

And on a day which had been particularly bad for me emotionally, I discussed my thoughts and feelings with my husband, my best friend and confidant, and reveled to him my desire to shave my hair. When I had initially thought about it, and envisioned my conversation, I had seen him adamantly talking me out of such a drastic move. I almost found comfort in thinking that he would be the voice of reason and would talk me out of something “crazy”, because it was a crazy thought after-all, right?

He asked the right questions, made alternative suggestions, but he was not in shock or horror at my private revelation. It surprised me especially considering here is a man who, when I broached an idea of cutting my hair short, told me “NO” in no uncertain terms. He loved my long hair, didn’t even see the thinning; so why on earth would he allow me to shave it all off and be bald?

When he was convinced that I had thought it through, he told me that he supported me in all my decisions.

I was happy at his support, but also a little taken aback.

Hang on here; he was supposed to be my voice of reason! He was my “back-out plan”; this was not what I was expecting. What the flip?!

So now I had to examine this new emotion. Did I really want to do this? Was I ready? And why the hell was I doing this again?

My mind reflected and through the butterflies and nerves, I was ready.

I remember watching intently in the mirror as he took the first part off, and while I was initially shocked and thought “well, if we stop now, I can still hide it”, but as he took more and more off, there was an intense feeling of relief and release.

The moment I saw myself for the first time without hair, I smiled. I had prepared myself for tears, possibly for regret, but nothing could prepare me for the intensity of joy which I felt at seeing myself. For the very first time in my life, I truly, deeply, resolutely felt beautiful.

I had always known I was attractive, remembered turning heads in my late teens and twenties, but truly KNOW I was beautiful? The tears that suddenly sprang to my eyes was one of the intensity of joy at seeing, for the first time, the way that God see’s.

People have questioned me when I have mentioned that for the first time in my life, I truly feel beautiful, so they say “and you feel this way WITHOUT hair?!”

In my standing bare before people, without any coverings to shield me, or to hide my secrets; I feel lighter, I feel happier, healthier, more complete.

And while I am still working through many emotions dealing with my past, my understanding of many of the reasoning has helped me love my parents with a completely different passion and intensity. While there will always be things that I disagree with, I understand. I don’t see them as these foreboding people whom I had a love/resent relationship with; if anything, I feel for them. I see them for the first time, and I feel for their pain because for the very things they worked so hard to shelter me from, I experienced firsthand. But I don’t regret my decisions and experiencing these things because had I not, I don’t think I would have been able to be the person I am today. Yes, at the time, it was devastating, and I did have regrets; but as time can tell, each made me stronger, helped make me well-rounded, open-minded, and non-judgmental.

I have not spoken with my parents about my past, my experiences with them, my feelings, or my realizations; I don’t think it would be advantageous, but rather would have an adverse conclusion. But just because I will not carry out what most therapists would advise as being “closure”, I have already done that in my own way, and I don’t think that saying things which would hurt and confuse would have any merit.

What I have learned, I have learned for me, for those in my immediate environment, for you, and for those who will come in to contact with me at some later place in time.

©Leyla Hur

She Said "Change Will Happen"...

2011-04-08T13:45:00.000-07:00

[First posted July 21st 2010]

It has been a few weeks since I last sat down to write anything, and the reason being was that I've had a lot of things to deal with and a lot of soul searching.

When I first shaved my hair, and posted my very first photo on my Facebook account, a very wise friend messaged me privately. After the customary compliments to how good I looked and "good thing you have a nice shaped head" (which still makes me laugh, especially when one acquaintance told me "You are SO lucky that at least you have a nice shaped head"!); she told me that there is an ancient saying that when a woman cuts her hair, she is going to experience some major changes. She followed up by wishing me the best and hoped that the changes I'd see would be positive ones.

Arrogant, and a little self-righteous in my attitude of shaving my hair, I politely responded that I had done it all for change and that the change could only be a good one.

Oh wow... how I wish I'd known then what I know now. And how many times in life have we said the exact same thing?

I did this specifically for change, but the change I figured on would be an internal change and that there would be nothing outside of me that would be affected. What I did not factor in was... the Universe.

As is always the case when we make major decisions (and follow through), the Universe is already a few steps ahead of us. When small things started to change, I embraced them and the words of my friend rang in my ear. "Okay, so maybe she's got something there", I'd say to myself.

Then...

Well, I guess I could only describe it as a mega earthquake of potentially devastating effects. The tectonic plates of my very existence shifted and things in my life would never be the same again.

When this "event" happened, it literally struck as an earthquake, out of the blue and totally caught me off guard. There had been a little "rumble" several months ago, but then the energy subsided and I had thought that the matter dealt with and simply "went away". What I did not expect that it was simply the beginning of a potential Armageddon.

The first thing to happen was anger; intense and absolute anger. The situation concerned a family member, who had been abusive and controlling my entire life. This person still attempts to control, manipulate, and abuse.

Now; interestingly, just prior to this seismic event, I had been soul searching and trying to understand why... How, I had attracted to my life such an abusive first marriage/husband. I mean, I did not grow up to expect to be married to such a man, so how did this happen?

Well, I guess I put it out there for the Universe to answer and to throw the answers in my face, shift my world, and create a massive change.

After the anger subsided, I expected to feel the sadness, the pain; but in its stead, I felt nothing. I was absolutely devoid of any real emotion for this person, and knowing my own reactions to life, and trusting in my intuition, realised that I was finally "done". I have no more emotion for this person other than them being a human being who walks this planet and who shares the same air that we all breathe. But as far as any emotional connection, they broke the final straw and sealed the deal. And I feel relieved, I feel freed; and for the first time, I am not questioning my reaction; it simply, just is.

For years, I have been able to simply let go and let God regarding many people... usually these people have been friends and any family members have been on my husband's side so that "loss" was easier to bear. And I have been coaching people to let go and let God all those individuals in their lives who drag them down, hold them down, and try to drown them and their dreams.

In my arrogance, I honestly thought that I had let go and released all these people from my life; but this event showed me different.

I really had to wrap my head around this in the past weeks since it happened. I tried to understand my emotions, my reaction, and what hold did this person have over me that allowed me time and time again to permit them back into my life, accepting them simply because they were family, but forever walking on eggshells around them. How old was I? And how old was I made to feel when I was around them, or in contact with them?

As I started to see things with the rose coloured... family coloured glasses removed; I started to see a lot more than what I bargained for. I started to see where things stemmed from, why I reacted often to things that happened around me. I began to understand. I now KNEW why I had attracted the kind of man into my life who abused me in so many different ways. When I looked more at the ways I was abused, I saw that they too mirrored what I had been "used" to. I realised that I not only came from a dysfunctional family, I came from an abusive one.

Suddenly, I was welled up with intense emotion. I could not understand the emotion which arose, and often I could not even identify it, but it was simply there. I would be laughing one minute, in sheer happiness; and the next, I was balling my eyes out.

When other members of my family decided that they wanted to "write me off", I took this as a moment of being free. For the very first time in my life, I am free. I am free to think, free to act, free to be; without consequence, without having to explain myself; I am finally free to be ME.

This was the change I had been striving for when I took my hair off, I just did not anticipate the work that would have to come with it. Not the kind of work I experienced anyway.

For the very first time in my life, I see those around me for who they truly are and what they truly are, and I am ready to let go and let God.

This process is not easy. It is wrought with pain, and anger, and emotions that one might not even be able to explain, but once you get through the storm, you can stand tall and proud and free. Those who anchor you down do not deserve to be in your life. I have learned my self-worth and I know that I don't deserve to have the kind of people in my life who are abusive, manipulative, or controlling. I deserve better; and so do you.

©Leyla Hur

Emerging Butterfly

2011-04-08T13:40:00.000-07:00

[First posted June 22nd 2010]

I am so grateful for the wonderful friends that I have around me supporting me and loving me, no matter what.

Last night, I was absolutely exhausted, and received a comment from someone who quite often does tend to push buttons. Usually, I let things slide because I know the characteristic of this person; but last night, my button was pushed... all the way. I was upset.

The comment made me think that there are some people who think that other people's actions are done simply to offend them. My lack of hair seems to be having this effect on some people.

It makes me wonder about these people. What is up with their self-consciousness or lack of self-esteem that makes them feel like they are the victim in each and every situation?

This lead me to start examining my own life and my past. There was a time when I felt so guilty for everything, even going so far as believing that if I drove past a golf course, and it was stormy, and a golfer got struck by lightening, that it would somehow be my fault.

When you read that, you may be thinking "how ridiculous"; after all, I am not God, I can not control the weather, the golfer, the decisions or anything else. I think that kind of control would actually make me Satan and not God.

As I was able to get through that time in my life, let go of the guilt, and understand where it came from; I suddenly had people enter my life who had the exact same feelings of guilt.

A healthy person reading this might then wonder what have we done in our past that is causing us to feel guilty for everything.

It's not that we have done anything, but rather influences in our lives have caused us to believe these things. So when I understand this, I can also understand individuals who are perpetual victims, who open their mouths and speak without a filter causing others to feel hurt, confused, uncomfortable, and questioning of their actions.

Are they truly self-righteous, or are they coming from a place of victimization from past influences or abuse? Some people don't realise that they have been abused as it is so subtle, but their actions towards others are reflectent of their past and how they are living their lives.

Instead of focusing on the actions and words of the other person, I have to be reminded of the lessons which I learned when I was involved in Kabbalah and was involved with the Kabbalah Center; my teacher taught me that each time I react to a situation, I am simply reacting to something within me that is being mirrored back.

Sometimes I have found the reason to be really obvious, and other times, not so much. I remember at one Kabbalah event where I worked the registration desk; this woman was very demanding and argumentative about the money that was being charged for the event. The more I tried to explain in a calm and rational manner, the more belligerent she was getting. I was very pleasant to her, but inside of myself I was steaming.

For the life of me, I could not understand how I could be getting upset with something that was mirroring my own image; I mean, I would never speak to a person like this, so what was the mirror?

I spoke with my teacher who told me that the woman was obviously displaying issues of trust, and the lack thereof. NOW the penny dropped... THIS is what I had been reacting to.

Most of my life, I have had major issues of trust. Growing up, I was taught to not trust anyone, to not speak about family secrets to anyone, and to keep myself encrusted in a cocoon with walls so thick that no-one could penetrate them.

This lack of trust affected every area of my life. I was so closed down and so angry, that I used that as a protective barrier so that no one could come in and cause more disruption to my life. In my lack of trust, I opened myself up to the worst possible person and allowed an abuser to enter and grasp a hold of my neck and squeeze the life out of me. This experience only caused my walls to thicken and my anger to deepen.

When I met my current husband, I felt a place of security and in that place of safety and security, I let myself go, just a little, and in doing that the pain and anger and all the emotions that had laid dormant for so long, began to creep out and I went through a major breakdown. For 2 1/2 years my husband and I suffered through a roller coaster of emotions, angry outbursts, and while I was letting these emotions out, I was burying even deeper ones.

As I struggled to surrender myself to the emotions buried deeply, and they resurfaced, I began to encounter more and more people who were suffering through many of the same emotions and experiences. They were uncanny and it was amazing how each of these emotions related to me. It was as if God had placed these people directly in my presence, coming to me for advice, so that I would HEAR the advice and then learn from it.

The more I opened myself up to understanding what I was going through, delving deeply to uncover the deep seeded emotions, the more that these people were coming to me; and with each person's story, another layer of my own past was uncovered and I was lead to understanding.
In my difficulty; and quite frankly, anger last night at this persons comment, I wrote to a couple of friends to express myself and vent. The advice I received back was wonderful. I did not need (or want) anyone to jump down this person's throat, I did not need anyone to bad mouth this person, what Ineeded to hear were the same words I would have told them in the same situation. I am so grateful to them for the sage advice in reminding me that in the ignorance of this individual they don't realise what they are saying and that I know who I am, and reminding me that I have done this for me. I did not do this to piss anyone off, or offend them; in fact, I did not do this for anyone at all. I am learning about a new part of who I am and why I am, what I like and don't like. I am entering a new phase in my life and I am pretty darned proud of myself.

My cocoon is thinning drastically and I am emerging as the beautiful butterfly that I am.

©Leyla Hur

The Gift

2011-04-08T13:26:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Peter.

Peter was very much like other little boys of the same age, he played ball, he told jokes, he even picked his nose and flicked his boogers. Looking at Peter, you would think that he was just another ordinary little boy.

But there was something about Peter that was so different, so amazing, and it was something that Peter was so self-conscious of, that he hid it. This special gift that Peter had was, his brilliance!

Yes, Peter was a brilliant little boy. But deep down, he knew that his brilliance could take him places, far away places, and if he allowed his brilliance to shine, he would supercede his parents and brothers and sisters, and even possibly be separated from them. This fear held Peter back, and he did not tell anyone about his brilliance, nor did he show anyone how brilliant he really was.

Over time, this secret made Peter very sad. He wanted so much to tell someone, anyone about his secret. He wanted to tell his Mum and Dad, but they were always too busy worrying about bills to pay any real attention to him.

At night, Peter would hear his Mum and Dad fight over money. He saw how unhappy money, or the lack of money, was making his parents. And he began to rage a hatred towards money.

Peter was doubly sad because he knew that if he could only have the courage to speak out and tell people about his brilliance, that he would be able to solve all of his parents problems.

One day, Peter worked up the courage to tell his Mum about his secret. He practiced all day what he would say and how he would say it. Finally, this feeling of boldness formed in the pit of his stomach... well it felt more like a boulder than boldness, but it egged him on, and it helped him move his feet, and he began to feel pride and happiness swelling in the center of his chest. This warmth grew larger and larger and it felt as if the sun itself had reached down and touched him.

Peter got right up off of the sofa and walked tall and proud into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. "Mum, I have something to tell you."

His Mum was really busy and harried-looking; "What is it Peter? Can't you see I am busy?"

"Mum, I have a secret to tell you." His chest puffed out in pride as he finally had found the courage to let go of this deep-seeded secret.

"Well, what is it? Do you think I have all day to be standing around listening to your silly little "secrets"? Do you know all that I have to do? Do you even care? There are bills to pay and your father is too lazy to do anything about them, so not only do I have to work until sweat appears on my brow, but then I have to come home and fix dinner for all you lazy children. So tell me Peter, what is this "great secret" that you have to tell me and it better not be something ridiculous , because honestly I really have notime to listen to a bunch of dribble right now."

With each word that came out of his mother's mouth, the warm feeling in Peter's chest diminished more and more. His back began to curl as he rounded his shoulders in. His head began to droop, and he could feel the heat of tears prickling the back of his eyes.

He knew... he knew he could not tell his Mum his great secret. He knew that he had to keep it locked away within himself.

"Well..." she crossed her arms and tapped her foot waiting impatiently for Peter to answer. "What is it?"

"Nothing. Just that I love you." Peter responded.

"OK fine. You've told me your "secret", now leave me alone so I can finish dinner."

Peter walked away from the kitchen, his heart swelling to the point that it almost burst.

After that day, Peter kept this secret locked inside of him for a very long, long time.

As he grew older, he began making choices that were not so good, and he had to live through the consequences of those choices. These consequences, and the guilt that he felt over making some of the choices he had made, added to his self-doubt, his loneliness, his isolation, and his fears.

One day, Peter met a young lady, and his heart began to swell in a love that he could not understand, and he did not want to truly understand. He decided to take a risk and marry this lady.

This lady was very different to anyone he had ever met before. When Peter introduced her to his family, they scorned her. They did not like the light that was shining out of her. She was the type of lady who entered into a room, and the entire room lit up. The more her light shone with love and compassion and friendship, the more Peter's family hated her.

And the more Peter's family hated her, the more he grew to love her.

Soon, Peter began to discover a new found strength inside of him, and he told his family that he would never leave his beloved bride; in his saying this, his family scorned him also. Finally, Peter had no choice, but to leave his family and so he did.

As the years went by, Peter and his wife fell more and more in love with each other. His wife's light began to rub off on Peter and he would have moments, great moments, when his inner-light shone so brightly, it was almost blinding.

And as Peter's wife observed him, she noticed something about him, a very special quality that could not be denied. As she began to notice this, so did others.

Soon, Peter's secret was beginning to be revealed. In small ways at first, but soon the secret of his brilliance was shining forth brightly.

Sadly, there were many dark forces who noticed this and who took advantage of it. Each time this happened, Peter began to withdraw his light a little more and a little more. His once shining bright star, began to grow dull. He began to get sad and fearful once again. And no matter what encouragement his beloved wife would offer him, what words of wisdom she shared with him, he did not want to hear or listen.

One day, Peter had an immensely brilliant idea. It was the idea of ideas. It was something that was SO brilliant, he would HAVE to share it with the world as it was just too great for one man to hold within himself.

Peter shared his idea with his wife. Immediately, she began to glow. The glow came from a deep place inside of her as she recognized the brilliance of Peter's idea. She encouraged him to work on his idea so he could share it with the world, and help light up so many lives that had grown very dark, and were decaying in so many places.

But Peter grew scared. Everyday he would go to his computer, he would determine inside of himself that "today is the day I'll start working", but then he would find other things to occupy his mind and his time. For weeks and weeks, then months and months, Peter would follow a routine. Each morning he would tell himself that "today is the day", but each time he turned his computer on, he would find himself another distraction.

Soon, he noticed that there was almost no food in the house and there was no money to go and buy more food because he was not making any money. The once shining bright light that his wife exuded was starting to dim. She no longer carried a smile on her face and her face was beginning to grow deep lines from frowning with worry and stress. He noticed that they began to have more and more arguments about little things, and he began to feel that she was picking on him each time she thought she was motivating and encouraging him. Soon, the love he once felt for her was also diminishing, and he began to fill his mind with thoughts of divorce.

Peter did not know what to do. He knew that this secret that he held on so tightly to was destroying his life. He felt himself die just a little more each day.

Soon, he told his wife that she had to stop pushing him to work. He began to let go of his brilliant idea because he did not feel the courage to pluck himself out of the sorrow and dark pit that he had formed around him.

As he let go of the idea, there was another man who lived in another state, and soon he was finding himself becoming filled with the most brilliant idea the world had ever known. And as the idea filtered away from Peter and filtered into this new man, the light within him started to grow greater.

This man was not a brilliant man by any means, but he knew brilliance when he saw it. He grabbed hold of this idea and began to work on it. Soon, he brought his idea to the world, and all the people of the entire world stood up and clapped. They jumped up and down with glee. The light that had been going out in so many lives began to grow again. Soon the entire world was glowing with the light of happiness, positive energies, love, and fulfillment, as this idea truly changed the world.

But in one small part of the world, there was a darkness. A sorrow so deep. A regret so great. A pain so tremendous. It emerged from two people, Peter and his beloved wife.

As Peter let his idea slip away into the Universe, the Universe realised that they needed to find someone else much more suitable to manifest the idea into life. So they did.

What Peter never realised or wanted to comprehend was that his gift of brilliance was just that "a gift". It was entrusted to him by the greatest force, but he hid it away. He was too afraid to let it shine. When he was entrusted with the greatest light-giving idea, he was too scared to let it out and share it. As he fell more into his routine of being busy by procrastinating, the Universe was always observing. Finally, the Universe knew that it was time for the idea to shine, there were more people in the world that needed this idea to materialize than just Peter. So, they found someone else and they gave him the idea instead.

Often, we do not realise that the ideas we are given are not created by us alone, they are entrusted to us by a higher and greater force. When we are entrusted with such a gift, it is our responsibility to hold on tightly and take that idea to the maximum limit. We do not know what that idea can do for others, but the Universe does. While we may be compensated monetarily or by wide-acclaim, the Universes compensation to us, and especially to the ones the idea touches, is so much greater.

When you have an idea, do all you can to turn it into reality. There are no true obstacles but the obstacles you place in front of yourself. They are nothing more than mere illusions that can be maneuvered by simple imagination and action.

Success has never been created by imagination and dreams alone, it takes action, work, and diligence in persevering the end goal.

Do not be like Peter, if you have an idea, put it into action, today! You never know when the Universe will remove it from you and give it to someone else. Don't let your fears or the words of others distract you or hold you back. Inspite of what others say to negate your idea, your dream, or your belief, do it! There is an even greater audience watching you and cheering you on.

©Leyla Hur

My Awakening

2011-04-08T13:23:00.000-07:00

Over the past few days, I feel like I have come into a new Spiritual Awakening, a complete and total understanding. To keep this locked up inside of me would not service me, or whoever might be reading this.

For too long, I have tried to find “understanding” within the walls of religion. Recently, I had a comment from someone that was very negative in its very words, but in comprehending, pondering, meditating, and then understanding, I find myself sitting here tonight with complete understanding.

The individual who wrote to me accused me of having an “identity crisis”, they told me that I should have “gotten over” my identity crisis years ago. While my initial reaction was one of complete shock and hurt at the words, I now am grateful for those words because it caused me to open my heart and my mind to complete and total opening up to my Self.

Over the years, I have traversed many spiritual paths, gone on spiritual journeys, and tried very hard to find my sense of “belonging” within the walls of organized religion.

This started in my mid-teens when I was in a foreign country attending school in a distant location from the town I was living in with my Grandparents. Alone, lonely, away from “home” (the home that I had grown up in with my parents), and without the friends I had known most of my life, I was friendless in this town. The only people I could consider as “friends” from school lived in the city, a distance from where I was.

In that loneliness, I was introduced to the Mormon Church via members of the church who embraced me and accepted me as one of their own. At 16-years-old, it was no wonder that their complete, total, unconditional acceptance appealed to me and drew me in. Whether I actually believed in the teachings of the church, I felt that I had found my place of belonging.

After I was baptized in to the Church, I found myself leaving within 9-months. I began my true “journey” through many different paths and religions, returning often to the Church, but never staying long.

For so many years I could not understand why I was not “satisfied” to just give up my life and any other beliefs that I might have and remain within the bonds of the church; at the same time, I wondered why I kept being drawn back to the church.

So when I was finally “out” of the church, my name removed from their records as if I was never even in existence; in essence, wiping me away from the mind and the cognition of God, I felt freed and relief. Now, I was finally released to truly explore my own truth.

After my father died, I delved in to the religion of my ancestors, my father and my birth; Islam.

Initial study taught me that Islam was more a way of life; it was a spirituality where Allah (God) was everything, not merely IN everything, but actually WAS everything.

Removed was the belief and teaching that God was a mortal man, an image that I simply could not comprehend since first learning about this “white-bearded Deity”. My mortal conceptualization of an omnipresent being contained within a body of flesh and bone seemed overtly limiting to me. The idea of a Holy Ghost and Son seemed even more foreign to me.

So, as I delved more into the study of Islam, things began to make sense. And that is why when I was first harassed by what are known as “haraam police” (haraam meaning “forbidden”), I was shocked. These individuals claiming that their “correcting” me was “sunnah” and that if I was to be a Muslim, I had “better get used to it”.

Often, I felt like I was a mere child being scolded continually by individuals whom I had never met and whom I did not know; strangers, that were labeled as “sisters” simply because we were both Muslim.

I became increasingly frustrated and angered at these people who were correcting my every thought, my every belief, my every action, and most often these individuals were much younger than me.

A couple of times, I came close to giving up the entire aspect of Islam because of the nastiness that was spouting out of these individuals, followed up by the prevalent “I say this because I love you for the sake of Allah”. What the hell did that sentiment mean? They only “loved” me to keep in the ‘good graces’ of Allah; and that “I”, the “you” they were correcting, had no matter, no meaning, no worth?

I began to withdraw from a lot of the social and religious activities within the community as the offense of more than one unnerved me. I was told by the select few I confided in to just “ignore them”; but in my doing that, I was continuing to give them permission to act in such an abusive manner.

An individual with my background does not accept abuse by simply rolling over and taking it. I have long-learned to open my mouth, stand out strong and tall, and shout out against abuse.

In my frustration, I tried to understand why I kept delving back in to different spiritual paths. Why was I not simply satisfied with “me”? What was I truly searching for, and would I ever really find it?

In a moment of complete and sheer frustration, I unloaded on a dear friend, and divulged a part of myself to her. I let down my barriers and opened up to a secret I kept long buried. In my doing so, in her amazing response, and in my thinking about her words, I finally saw clearly the whole picture. I finally understood myself, my frustrations, my “need” to hide behind organized religion.

This was a process that first began last year, but I could not let myself go enough to be honest and truthful with who I was and “why” I was.

In this openness that I finally began embracing, I began to SEE and see for the very first time.

I began addressing issues that I had seen crop up time and time in religion, and especially what I had recently learned within the confines of Islam “the religion”.

One of the biggest issues was the idea of covering in the hijab. When I first covered, I did it for myself. I did for my own reasons and it had nothing to do with the common misnomer held within Islam. And I had often questioned myself if my own reasons for covering were “in line” with what was common thought within the religion itself.

The verse in the Quran says; “And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty…” Qu’ran 24:31

And when I finally came to understanding, I realized that when God speaks, He speaks in the whole sense of the explanation and it is us mere mortals who understand in literal, and in so-doing, MIS-understanding.

“Guarding” one’s modesty is something that most of us do already. What is “modesty” in the true understanding of the word? In the online Princeton Wordnet definition it says that modesty is freedom from vanity or conceit. When we guard against this, we are removing EGO (Edging God Out) from our lives.

So covering the body in “modesty” as the literal translation has been interpreted, might not be what the original belief was.

When I meditated on “lowering their gaze”, I realized that this was not something that was also literal, but realize that this was the precursor to guarding modesty. Again, I finally understood it to mean that we need to be aware of our surroundings. When we lower our gazes as we walk, we are being cognitive of the path ahead of us. While this is indicated towards us as individuals, it has a much bigger meaning to it. A deeper, more spiritual meaning and not the literal translation that has kept so many women covered in cloth for so long.

I questioned why, if modesty was such an important thing, were we all born naked and emerging out of our mother’s naked vaginas. And then I understood the complete picture…

We are already “covering our modesty” as we emerge out of the womb, as we are forming IN the womb. Our “covering” is our physical bodies, and this covers that which “drives” our bodies, our soul.

In discussion with my husband, he asked “So does this mean that we’ll all be naked in heaven?”

No. We will not be naked; we will not have the bodies which we have now, because we are nothing but forms of energy.

We say Allah is everything, not just IN everything, but IS everything. How could that be? What is true omnipotence? The concept is difficult to comprehend on so many levels. But as we transcend in Spiritual awareness, it makes complete and total sense. Upon shedding of our mortal bodies, we too are omnipotent in that we can be in more than one place at one time because we are nothing more than energy forms.

Does this concept align us with Allah and “enjoin” us to him? Yes and no.

Yes we are aligned because if we truly believe that Allah is the creator of all things, therefore OUR creator, we hold a strand of His DNA within us. This is shown in the mere fact that we are alive, we are breathing and we are feeling. We have a soul, and in that soul, He holds a part of us. This is what is called Divine Connection. This is also what links each and every single person upon this earth to each other.

Does this mean that we are in essence “Gods”? Yes and No. Yes in that we are creators of our own destinies, and no in the literal sense of the word. We each hold a part of God in us through that Divine Connection, but we are NOT Gods in that literal sense of the word, at least in my comprehension.

In answering my husband’s question, no we will not be “naked” because we will have no form to be naked with, but rather we are energy.

Someone asked tonight “how can God judge us, and why God would like some of us or dislike some of us when he doesn’t have a character and human emotions?”

I replied, “From what I have learned over my years (not IN religion), I have learned that this "judgment" is truly that Divine source in all of us (our soul connectedness) that will be responsible for judging us based on experience culminating with the intensity of Love on the Other Side, as well as complete and total understanding of the ages once removed from our physical form and limitations as well as human, earth-held, understanding. I have a very difficult time comprehending a "court" with the energy force that is Allah at the head handing down judgment and "sentencing".”

And I truly do believe this. It just makes complete and total sense to me. I suddenly “get it”, I understand and I feel completely freed in my understanding.

I no longer feel confined within the bounds of man-made religion. I finally can understand the concept of living and experiencing without the man-made rules and regulations.

Am I no longer “Muslim”? Yes I am, because I understand the meaning of Islam being “to submit” or “to surrender”, from the Arabic root word “Peace” (Salaam). Muslim means “one who submits”. But again, I do not believe that it means this in the literal sense, but rather in the limitless sense.

We all submit and surrender in so many aspects of the meaning, being “submissive” does not mean the same thing which many have come to understand the meaning.

As a tree bends in the wind, so too we bend with the winds of change. It is a natural process.

Life is as easy or difficult as we choose to make it. For me, I choose to make life easy, without all the confines of rules and regulations, rights and wrongs. I choose to simply Be.

The true purpose of life; is to experience, and in those experiences we learn, we expand our minds, and we live.

©Leyla Hur