When Good Friends Turn Bad; Or Do They...

I have been asked over the years a similar question by quite a number of people. What is interesting is that I am often asked questions to situations which I have dealt with personally on more than one occasion and have quite a "history" of  experience dealing with it behind me.

I was once again asked the same question in a comment on a previous post on here very recently, and decided to devote a post to it.

The question is about friendship and why we attract to us those friends who use us a "whipping posts" when it suits their needs, and there never follows an apology for their actions. And, why do such people exist.

I want to dissect this a little because over the years, I have had my fair share of encounters with individuals who have treated me and our friendship this way.

First off, that kind of behaviour is abusive. Plain and simple. But sometimes, there is a deeper meaning and  reason to why we are attracting such people into our lives.

Like an onion, we must uncover the layers, and in each layer there contains a hidden meaning and a potential misunderstanding. Sometimes, the onion is large with many layers; other times, it is small and getting to the bulb is easy. As the person standing on the outside looking in at the complete onion, not dissecting and uncovering each layer; it is hard to know whether its simply a big onion with thick layers, or a big onion with lots and lots of layers... or in even more simple terms, baggage.

First of all, to understand abuse one must look a little into the premise of abuse and what is the drive behind it. A man hits a woman, did she simply "piss him off" and his violent nature was to strike out and hit her? The situation that lined itself up for the end outcome of physical violence is never one that is simply a surface matter. Violence and rage has deep seeded seeds which have been planted long, long ago. Most people may not even remember when or where the seeds were planted, this takes work and working with someone who can help guide the individual who is truly willing and wanting to work at finding the seeds to eradicate them.

Abuse simply stems from a need for power and control. That is the basis of any and all abuse.

When an individual strikes out physically or verbally (even sexually, as in the case with sex abusers), they are in a place of complete and total lack of control or power of themselves or a situation. The only way they know how to regain some of it, and feed their ever starved EGO, is to take it from someone else who does not, or will not, or can not, stand up for themselves and who allows it.

For an individual who is on the receiving end, this can not only be detrimental, but etheric psychology begins to create a pattern which puts an individual into a cycle. Similar to the cycle of one who lives in an abusive relationship.

The abuser is one who generally has very low self-esteem even if they cover it up with a mask that suggests otherwise. There are subtle flaws in their mask that could easily identify them in the presence of an individual who is keenly aware of such characteristics. Certain words spoken, gestures made, looks given can often betray the individual who has potentiality for abuse.

In the situation of a friendship, as time progresses and people become more comfortable around the other, cracks begin to appear in the facade and portions of the true Self begin to show through. Sometimes, it is a layer that is not wanting to be shown, a vulnerability that needs to be kept hidden for reasons known only to the individual. If an "outsider" (and by that, I mean any person outside of the Self), catches even a momentary glimpse, or the individual feels threatened in any way, shape, or form by a word, an action, a gesture, or a look; they can easily begin to strike out.

As in all abuse situations, it begins slowly. It is a grooming process. Maybe something said in a joke or in simple passing, all calculated "tests" to see how far they can push. While the individual acting in this way may not be cognitive about it, their entire MO has become such that the psyche is always working in that direction.

Often, it is a protective mechanism. As a friend, you might be aware of their past, or some aspects of their past, so it might be a bit more easily identified as to where their attacks are originating from. But, often we do not know, we simply become the target.

As I have mentioned in past posts, how we react to situations is a way of how our psyche sees a reflection in a mirror. We react in a joyful and happy way, because what we are witnessing or experiencing is reflecting a part of ourselves that we love, we adore, we have fun with. When we react in anger or annoyance (or any negative emotion), it is important to stop and ask ourselves what it is about ourselves that we are reacting to. What mirror image are we seeing that we do not like about ourselves.

I am sure I have shared a story about the time I was studying Kabbalah with The Kabbalah Center, but for the purpose of this post, I will share it again.

At that time, we often had large seminar-type meetings open to the general public who wanted to learn more about Kabbalah as well as understanding Self more. The meetings cost money to attend, and while it was not a huge cost, it was still a cost nonetheless. Most people pre-registered to attend, and many had already pre-paid.

My husband and I were very active with the Kabbalah group here in Phoenix and we often volunteered our time in helping and doing our part to help build the group up. So this particular weekend, my husband and I were working the registration desk. Through the day, we had various people stopping by and asking simple questions, some paid at the door to learn more, others just wanted a quick overview and then went on their way. For many, the whole "Is this the same thing that Madonna does?" drew them in to learn more. It was all routine stuff for us, we'd heard it all before.

Just before registration ended and the seminar was to begin, a older lady and her son arrived. He had pre-registered for both of them and all that was needed was their registration number and their money to get in. He had no problems with all that and my husband was taking care of it. Suddenly his mother started with a barrage of questions for me, but not simply asking but asking in a manner that was argumentative and aggressive. She seemed like she was looking for a fight. She demanded to know where the money paid was going, why they had to pay, what was the point in it all, etc... etc... etc... For about ten minutes she stood there, confrontational and to some degree, I felt she was quite offensive. I answered her questions and tried to stay as level-headed as possible to her seeming attacks.

Each word out of her mouth seemed to cut me deeper.

After she and her son went into the seminar, I mentioned something to my husband. Now you have to understand, my husband is one of the most laid-back, roll-with-the-punches guy you will ever meet. He's either completely oblivious to confrontation unless its right in his face, or he just does not get affected by things like I do (and yes, I can be quite a hot-head at times, I admit). True-to-form, he answered my statement of "WOW! What was up her ass? She was really offensive and with no cause" with "I didn't notice anything. She just had questions, and she might have had an attitude with them, but I didn't think she was being offensive."

This got me thinking long and hard about what had taken place and especially at my reaction to it. On Monday, I made a call to my teacher with the Kabbalah Center, I told him of the events and said to him these exact words; "Yehuda, I have gone over and over in my mind this whole "mirror thing". I can not understand where I was seeing myself reflected in that woman and her attitude. I would never talk to another person the way she talked to me. So why am I reacting to the degree that I am?" I really was confused, had been for two days. I'd replayed it over and over in my mind and I simply could not see what it was that was reflecting back that I was reacting to.

When Yehuda answered me, it put the whole theory of the "onion" into perspective for me. Often, we look at an onion as a whole, we don't think of the individual layers that create the whole image. So, when we react to something that is a "mirror" back to us, it is not necessarily something that we are seeing reflecting on the surface, but rather it is contained in a layer somewhere in the mass of layers.

He told me that possibly I had "trust issues" because the woman's reaction and her questioning was obviously of someone who lacked trust, who was questioning because she did not have the trust in what was simply being presented.

The moment he told me this, it was like a light-bulb went off in my head, it was a complete "a-ha" moment for me. He was right. Most of my life, I had major trust issues, it was something I kept close to myself but I never opened myself up to anyone, I always held much of myself closed in and closed down. I felt that any little piece of "me" that I exposed, would easily be exploited and used against me. I'd had good cause for these thoughts and feelings from experiences in my past. And as time moved on, I often found myself in situations with individuals where I would allow myself to open up just a little, only to be taken advantage of and my issue of trust forged an even greater and thicker protection and barrier as I shut myself down more.

I finally "got it". I understood. And I knew that that woman had actually presented me with a gift. It was something that was being dredged up, but that needed to be addressed.

We "attract" individuals in to our lives who treat us in certain ways because they are truly showing us areas of our lives that we need to focus on, dredge up, contemplate, meditate on, understand, and finally let go.

Being a "whipping post" for people is not easy. Not in the least. Those who do the whipping also have issues which needs personal introspection and finding release from. But those of us who have been the whipping post, we need to understand why it keeps happening to us. What lessons are being presented time and time again that WE need to learn.

Many of us can say this about ourselves, "I am not a person who retaliates in conflict". But to what nth do we allow ourselves to stand at the post and be whipped by others who feed their need for power and control. When is enough enough and the proverbial straw that breaks the camels back finally the last straw? When can we stop giving our power and control away to others, and take a stand and understand why it is happening over and over again? This is where it starts to get interesting for us because we have to ask ourselves;

"Am I truly ready to find what is buried and let it go? Am I truly ready to be done with this? Am I ready to move forward and free myself?" 

We do not need to retaliate in conflict, what is important is that we find strength and love of our Selves that is so strong and deep within us to make a stand and say "enough is enough". Simply stop it. Sometimes, we must have conflict to finally end the cycle. Often, we must show that part of ourselves that we deem ourselves worthy enough to never allow this to happen again. It's not an easy thing, it's not comfortable to do; but often,

The things which are the least comfortable for us to do, have the greatest long-term benefits. 

Once we start standing up for our Selves, once we delve deep to understand the pattern that has been painted before us in the individuals who we have drawn to us, and the abuse that has been dished up to us; then we can begin to trace it back to the originating seed. Once the seed is found, dig it up, throw it out, and let it go. Find forgiveness, and find gratitude in all those who have (over the months and even years) brought this to the surface for you to experience, seek, find, and then release.

In love and in gratitude, release that which keeps returning in a cycular pattern, and in so doing release the energies which continue to attract them into your life. 

Once you do this, you will find that the individuals in your life who are continuing this pattern, will make their exit and you will be free of that pattern.

To attract healthy individuals into your life, I suggest taking time to really reflect on the type of friends you want to surround yourself with. Focus on their qualities. As you take time to do this, get out a piece of paper and begin noting down all the positive qualities you would ideally like those you surround yourself with, to have. The more you focus on the types of people you want to surround yourself with, the more you will also become the type of person who is cognitively and etherically healthy enough to attract such individuals into your life.

The more we focus on something, the more we create it into being.

My suggestion is to not put down such outlandish things that you are not yourself; for instance, if you are an artist-type, but you decide that it is important to surround yourself with scientists or business people, you need to ask yourself why that is important to you, and what would you honestly have in common? I suggest being more general in attributes that would appeal to you. An example of what your paper could look like would be focusing on attributes such as:

Open minded

Spiritually aware

Non-judgmental

Generous

Healthy sense of humour

 Healthy awareness of boundaries

Mature

etc...

You could even list similar likes to you on there, such as "enjoys wine and cheese tasting", "likes the theatre", etc. 

Post your "list" someplace where you can view it often; it will like a "vision board". As you evolve into the person who is ready for friends with such attributes, you'll find your Self expanding in a direction geared towards your list. For example, if you've always wanted to open yourself up more to spirituality, but had more of a religious up-bringing than spiritual, you might find yourself attending lectures or discussion groups on different spiritual paths. Within those groups, you might meet a group of friends who also "fit" as far as other aspects of your list goes. 

What most people don't realise is that life, and living, is a process of evolution. 

While we can easily see the "evolution" from infancy to childhood to adulthood and then old-age, what we can not see is the etheric and psychological evolution that takes place in all of us. Each experience we encounter is nothing more than a expansion of mind as we evolve further on life's-journey. Embrace it as it arises, understand it, apply it, and then let it go to move on to the next experience and journey.

_/|\_

Namaste

©Leyla Hur

All Rights Reserved. Copying, altering, displaying or redistribution of this material without written permission from the author is strictly prohibited.

She Said "Change Will Happen"...

[First posted July 21st 2010]

It has been a few weeks since I last sat down to write anything, and the reason being was that I've had a lot of things to deal with and a lot of soul searching.

When I first shaved my hair, and posted my very first photo on my Facebook account, a very wise friend messaged me privately. After the customary compliments to how good I looked and "good thing you have a nice shaped head" (which still makes me laugh, especially when one acquaintance told me "You are SO lucky that at least you have a nice shaped head"!); she told me that there is an ancient saying that when a woman cuts her hair, she is going to experience some major changes. She followed up by wishing me the best and hoped that the changes I'd see would be positive ones.

Arrogant, and a little self-righteous in my attitude of shaving my hair, I politely responded that I had done it all for change and that the change could only be a good one.

Oh wow... how I wish I'd known then what I know now. And how many times in life have we said the exact same thing?

I did this specifically for change, but the change I figured on would be an internal change and that there would be nothing outside of me that would be affected. What I did not factor in was... the Universe.

As is always the case when we make major decisions (and follow through), the Universe is already a few steps ahead of us. When small things started to change, I embraced them and the words of my friend rang in my ear. "Okay, so maybe she's got something there", I'd say to myself.

Then...

Well, I guess I could only describe it as a mega earthquake of potentially devastating effects. The tectonic plates of my very existence shifted and things in my life would never be the same again.

When this "event" happened, it literally struck as an earthquake, out of the blue and totally caught me off guard. There had been a little "rumble" several months ago, but then the energy subsided and I had thought that the matter dealt with and simply "went away". What I did not expect that it was simply the beginning of a potential Armageddon.

The first thing to happen was anger; intense and absolute anger. The situation concerned a family member, who had been abusive and controlling my entire life. This person still attempts to control, manipulate, and abuse.

Now; interestingly, just prior to this seismic event, I had been soul searching and trying to understand why... How, I had attracted to my life such an abusive first marriage/husband. I mean, I did not grow up to expect to be married to such a man, so how did this happen?

Well, I guess I put it out there for the Universe to answer and to throw the answers in my face, shift my world, and create a massive change.

After the anger subsided, I expected to feel the sadness, the pain; but in its stead, I felt nothing. I was absolutely devoid of any real emotion for this person, and knowing my own reactions to life, and trusting in my intuition, realised that I was finally "done". I have no more emotion for this person other than them being a human being who walks this planet and who shares the same air that we all breathe. But as far as any emotional connection, they broke the final straw and sealed the deal. And I feel relieved, I feel freed; and for the first time, I am not questioning my reaction; it simply, just is.

For years, I have been able to simply let go and let God regarding many people... usually these people have been friends and any family members have been on my husband's side so that "loss" was easier to bear. And I have been coaching people to let go and let God all those individuals in their lives who drag them down, hold them down, and try to drown them and their dreams.

In my arrogance, I honestly thought that I had let go and released all these people from my life; but this event showed me different.

I really had to wrap my head around this in the past weeks since it happened. I tried to understand my emotions, my reaction, and what hold did this person have over me that allowed me time and time again to permit them back into my life, accepting them simply because they were family, but forever walking on eggshells around them. How old was I? And how old was I made to feel when I was around them, or in contact with them?

As I started to see things with the rose coloured... family coloured glasses removed; I started to see a lot more than what I bargained for. I started to see where things stemmed from, why I reacted often to things that happened around me. I began to understand. I now KNEW why I had attracted the kind of man into my life who abused me in so many different ways. When I looked more at the ways I was abused, I saw that they too mirrored what I had been "used" to. I realised that I not only came from a dysfunctional family, I came from an abusive one.

Suddenly, I was welled up with intense emotion. I could not understand the emotion which arose, and often I could not even identify it, but it was simply there. I would be laughing one minute, in sheer happiness; and the next, I was balling my eyes out.

When other members of my family decided that they wanted to "write me off", I took this as a moment of being free. For the very first time in my life, I am free. I am free to think, free to act, free to be; without consequence, without having to explain myself; I am finally free to be ME.

This was the change I had been striving for when I took my hair off, I just did not anticipate the work that would have to come with it. Not the kind of work I experienced anyway.

For the very first time in my life, I see those around me for who they truly are and what they truly are, and I am ready to let go and let God.

This process is not easy. It is wrought with pain, and anger, and emotions that one might not even be able to explain, but once you get through the storm, you can stand tall and proud and free. Those who anchor you down do not deserve to be in your life. I have learned my self-worth and I know that I don't deserve to have the kind of people in my life who are abusive, manipulative, or controlling. I deserve better; and so do you.

©Leyla Hur

All Rights Reserved. Copying, altering, displaying or redistribution of this material without written permission from the author is strictly prohibited.

The Gift

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Peter.

Peter was very much like other little boys of the same age, he played ball, he told jokes, he even picked his nose and flicked his boogers. Looking at Peter, you would think that he was just another ordinary little boy.

But there was something about Peter that was so different, so amazing, and it was something that Peter was so self-conscious of, that he hid it. This special gift that Peter had was, his brilliance!

Yes, Peter was a brilliant little boy. But deep down, he knew that his brilliance could take him places, far away places, and if he allowed his brilliance to shine, he would supercede his parents and brothers and sisters, and even possibly be separated from them. This fear held Peter back, and he did not tell anyone about his brilliance, nor did he show anyone how brilliant he really was.

Over time, this secret made Peter very sad. He wanted so much to tell someone, anyone about his secret. He wanted to tell his Mum and Dad, but they were always too busy worrying about bills to pay any real attention to him.

At night, Peter would hear his Mum and Dad fight over money. He saw how unhappy money, or the lack of money, was making his parents. And he began to rage a hatred towards money.

Peter was doubly sad because he knew that if he could only have the courage to speak out and tell people about his brilliance, that he would be able to solve all of his parents problems.

One day, Peter worked up the courage to tell his Mum about his secret. He practiced all day what he would say and how he would say it. Finally, this feeling of boldness formed in the pit of his stomach... well it felt more like a boulder than boldness, but it egged him on, and it helped him move his feet, and he began to feel pride and happiness swelling in the center of his chest. This warmth grew larger and larger and it felt as if the sun itself had reached down and touched him.

Peter got right up off of the sofa and walked tall and proud into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. "Mum, I have something to tell you."

His Mum was really busy and harried-looking; "What is it Peter? Can't you see I am busy?"

"Mum, I have a secret to tell you." His chest puffed out in pride as he finally had found the courage to let go of this deep-seeded secret.

"Well, what is it? Do you think I have all day to be standing around listening to your silly little "secrets"? Do you know all that I have to do? Do you even care? There are bills to pay and your father is too lazy to do anything about them, so not only do I have to work until sweat appears on my brow, but then I have to come home and fix dinner for all you lazy children. So tell me Peter, what is this "great secret" that you have to tell me and it better not be something ridiculous , because honestly I really have notime to listen to a bunch of dribble right now."

With each word that came out of his mother's mouth, the warm feeling in Peter's chest diminished more and more. His back began to curl as he rounded his shoulders in. His head began to droop, and he could feel the heat of tears prickling the back of his eyes.

He knew... he knew he could not tell his Mum his great secret. He knew that he had to keep it locked away within himself.

"Well..." she crossed her arms and tapped her foot waiting impatiently for Peter to answer. "What is it?"

"Nothing. Just that I love you." Peter responded.

"OK fine. You've told me your "secret", now leave me alone so I can finish dinner."

Peter walked away from the kitchen, his heart swelling to the point that it almost burst.

After that day, Peter kept this secret locked inside of him for a very long, long time.

As he grew older, he began making choices that were not so good, and he had to live through the consequences of those choices. These consequences, and the guilt that he felt over making some of the choices he had made, added to his self-doubt, his loneliness, his isolation, and his fears.

One day, Peter met a young lady, and his heart began to swell in a love that he could not understand, and he did not want to truly understand. He decided to take a risk and marry this lady.

This lady was very different to anyone he had ever met before. When Peter introduced her to his family, they scorned her. They did not like the light that was shining out of her. She was the type of lady who entered into a room, and the entire room lit up. The more her light shone with love and compassion and friendship, the more Peter's family hated her.

And the more Peter's family hated her, the more he grew to love her.

Soon, Peter began to discover a new found strength inside of him, and he told his family that he would never leave his beloved bride; in his saying this, his family scorned him also. Finally, Peter had no choice, but to leave his family and so he did.

As the years went by, Peter and his wife fell more and more in love with each other. His wife's light began to rub off on Peter and he would have moments, great moments, when his inner-light shone so brightly, it was almost blinding.

And as Peter's wife observed him, she noticed something about him, a very special quality that could not be denied. As she began to notice this, so did others.

Soon, Peter's secret was beginning to be revealed. In small ways at first, but soon the secret of his brilliance was shining forth brightly.

Sadly, there were many dark forces who noticed this and who took advantage of it. Each time this happened, Peter began to withdraw his light a little more and a little more. His once shining bright star, began to grow dull. He began to get sad and fearful once again. And no matter what encouragement his beloved wife would offer him, what words of wisdom she shared with him, he did not want to hear or listen.

One day, Peter had an immensely brilliant idea. It was the idea of ideas. It was something that was SO brilliant, he would HAVE to share it with the world as it was just too great for one man to hold within himself.

Peter shared his idea with his wife. Immediately, she began to glow. The glow came from a deep place inside of her as she recognized the brilliance of Peter's idea. She encouraged him to work on his idea so he could share it with the world, and help light up so many lives that had grown very dark, and were decaying in so many places.

But Peter grew scared. Everyday he would go to his computer, he would determine inside of himself that "today is the day I'll start working", but then he would find other things to occupy his mind and his time. For weeks and weeks, then months and months, Peter would follow a routine. Each morning he would tell himself that "today is the day", but each time he turned his computer on, he would find himself another distraction.

Soon, he noticed that there was almost no food in the house and there was no money to go and buy more food because he was not making any money. The once shining bright light that his wife exuded was starting to dim. She no longer carried a smile on her face and her face was beginning to grow deep lines from frowning with worry and stress. He noticed that they began to have more and more arguments about little things, and he began to feel that she was picking on him each time she thought she was motivating and encouraging him. Soon, the love he once felt for her was also diminishing, and he began to fill his mind with thoughts of divorce.

Peter did not know what to do. He knew that this secret that he held on so tightly to was destroying his life. He felt himself die just a little more each day.

Soon, he told his wife that she had to stop pushing him to work. He began to let go of his brilliant idea because he did not feel the courage to pluck himself out of the sorrow and dark pit that he had formed around him.

As he let go of the idea, there was another man who lived in another state, and soon he was finding himself becoming filled with the most brilliant idea the world had ever known. And as the idea filtered away from Peter and filtered into this new man, the light within him started to grow greater.

This man was not a brilliant man by any means, but he knew brilliance when he saw it. He grabbed hold of this idea and began to work on it. Soon, he brought his idea to the world, and all the people of the entire world stood up and clapped. They jumped up and down with glee. The light that had been going out in so many lives began to grow again. Soon the entire world was glowing with the light of happiness, positive energies, love, and fulfillment, as this idea truly changed the world.

But in one small part of the world, there was a darkness. A sorrow so deep. A regret so great. A pain so tremendous. It emerged from two people, Peter and his beloved wife.

As Peter let his idea slip away into the Universe, the Universe realised that they needed to find someone else much more suitable to manifest the idea into life. So they did.

What Peter never realised or wanted to comprehend was that his gift of brilliance was just that "a gift". It was entrusted to him by the greatest force, but he hid it away. He was too afraid to let it shine. When he was entrusted with the greatest light-giving idea, he was too scared to let it out and share it. As he fell more into his routine of being busy by procrastinating, the Universe was always observing. Finally, the Universe knew that it was time for the idea to shine, there were more people in the world that needed this idea to materialize than just Peter. So, they found someone else and they gave him the idea instead.

Often, we do not realise that the ideas we are given are not created by us alone, they are entrusted to us by a higher and greater force. When we are entrusted with such a gift, it is our responsibility to hold on tightly and take that idea to the maximum limit. We do not know what that idea can do for others, but the Universe does. While we may be compensated monetarily or by wide-acclaim, the Universes compensation to us, and especially to the ones the idea touches, is so much greater.

When you have an idea, do all you can to turn it into reality. There are no true obstacles but the obstacles you place in front of yourself. They are nothing more than mere illusions that can be maneuvered by simple imagination and action.

Success has never been created by imagination and dreams alone, it takes action, work, and diligence in persevering the end goal.

Do not be like Peter, if you have an idea, put it into action, today! You never know when the Universe will remove it from you and give it to someone else. Don't let your fears or the words of others distract you or hold you back. Inspite of what others say to negate your idea, your dream, or your belief, do it! There is an even greater audience watching you and cheering you on.

©Leyla Hur

All Rights Reserved. Copying, altering, displaying or redistribution of this material without written permission from the author is strictly prohibited.