Life's Curveball

Life changes in an instant.

I have had this experience too many times to recount.

I remember waking up one morning in 1999 to find my husband missing. Several days of worry and wonder at where he was "this time" came to an end when, three days later I woke up to news that he had killed himself.

In July 2010, I woke up one morning and went about my day, only to receive a phone call in the afternoon with news that my beloved father had died suddenly.

This morning, I woke up, began my day, had several things I was going to accomplish, and then learned news that my dearest friend had been in a severe accident.

The point I am trying to make is not what happened to these individuals, the point is how do we deal when we are faced with such situations. The point is examining ourselves up until the point of devastating news. The point is making a mark that matters each and every moment of our lives. The point is telling those you love "I love you" at every opportunity, and truly mean it from the bottom of your heart. The point is loving our Selves deeply, truly, and completely and being OK with our Selves no matter what is happening in our environment.

While I am still reeling from the news of this day, and I try to find my balance within the day, I can't help but think of the events leading up to the day.

While it is true that I am not living in someone else's brain and am not God to be omnipotent and know everything, I still ponder... that is a normal human emotional reaction to question.

As humans, we feel we need to know the answers to everything at every given moment, especially when we are affected. But to what end?

As humans we ask "why?" and "How could this be?" to that point that we often drive ourselves crazy, and sometimes driving ourselves into faithlessness, anger, and hatred. While these are "normal" human reactions to situations, we must also know when to let go and let it just be.

This is one of the hardest things to do. To not allow our minds to drive us to places of craziness in over-thinking, over-analysing, and over-doing. Sometimes, things are just as they are; there is always a reason, but maybe that reason is not ours to know (just yet). Maybe it is not ours to know ever.

Re-playing situations and events out in our minds over and over again, does not change the outcome. Learning from a situation can better help us understand ourselves and our reaction to the event. Will it make a difference for further events should they arise, it can and sometimes it doesn't as human emotion can sometimes outweigh and overcome rational thought.

Getting locked and lost in a moment of time, without it being able to change the outcome, just holds us back from the reason for being in the exact place and time we were when the event or situation happened.

Nothing happens to us without reason. It might not be our reason, and to understand this, one has to go outside of themselves to accept that there may possibly be a greater energy force at play.

After my first husband killed himself, I became homeless within 2 1/2 days. For a long time, I got lost in the "whys" and "how comes" and "what could I do differently's". The fact remained that nothing I could have done would have saved his life if HE did not want it to be saved. At the time, there was nothing I could do to change the situation to which I became homeless.

What I learned from that experience was that life sends us curve-balls, sometimes on a more continual basis. Maybe the curve-balls are sent to show us how strong we are to overcome. Maybe they are sent to change us from one situation to another (one path to another) that is more suited to us. Most often, the curve-balls are not easy to bear. They are not fun. They are uncomfortable, but that is why they are called "curve-balls". How we deal with them is the key to our learning and our growth.

Each of us has potential for growth. If we did not, we would not still be in this life, walking the path of a human being. But sadly, too many of us get locked in to place. We get locked in to the situation and life we are in, because change is scary, uncomfortable, and at times too difficult to grapple with.

Too many of us get stuck. We may not like the situations we are in, but we are more comfortable staying the course of the known, than traversing the path of the unknown and potentially experiencing something amazing.

There is a saying about the grass being greener on the other side of the fence. Sometimes it is. But if we are not willing to explore, and take a chance, take a risk, we will never know. We will only dream of the rumours that occur.

Sometimes, we take that leap of faith and find ourselves standing in a briar patch. That is OK too because often it is not the destination, but the journey to the destination that is where the learning and the experience comes.

Once our minds are expanded, they can never constrict back to where they once were.

The more we ask "why" from an outside source, and the less we ask "why" within ourselves and then traverse a path of learning to understand what OUR "why" is, the more we will continue to be locked in the groove we have created for ourselves.

When things happen "to us", we can shut ourselves down and shut everyone out, and get lost within the constant loop of replaying what happened; or we can jump off the wheel that is spinning furiously around us, and create a positive change in our life.

Death is never an answer to that change. It leaves behind a trail of unendings, pain, more questions, and cyclular events. It traps others into a web of attitude and devastation.

When death occurs in the natural frame work of time, it is more easily understood and more readily answered. But the taking of ones life, the thought of taking ones life, is not an answer.

Death does not end our current situation, but rather it perpetuates it on a grander scale. This experience of life is for learning, for gathering information, and for experiencing everything - including some of the most difficult and painful moments. To take away that life sends us into a tailspin of having to address the issues in a different place, a different time, but nevertheless still having to address them.

Death is easy. The contemplation of dying is the hardest part. The actual death process is easy. I know, I have done it time and time again.

I too have contemplated, gotten lost in the depths of misery, and attempted to take my own life on more than a few occasions. Once the mind is made up, everything else is easy.

But it is not worth it. The consequences, the climbing back, is all the more difficult than starting to create a change in environment, attitude, and visualization right where one is standing now.

I understand this issue from both sides of the fence, having done it and having it done "to" me. And I have learned some of my greatest lessons from it.

When that black cloud of despair, depression, and pain lifts, and the light begins to infiltrate again, perspectives change.

If that black, suffocating, pain-filled cloud is settling around you right now; burst through your own emotions, find that determination within yourself and seek a positive and creative change. Do not get lost in it, do not get trapped in it. There is a greater answer, a more positive solution and that curve-ball CAN be caught, and then ran with.

Know that you are NEVER alone. You are of infinite worth. You are a precious commodity here upon this earth to share of your Self, your Light, your Love, and your wisdom and knowledge with others. Each one of us has just cause to be here at this very moment in time and at this very place. There is only one way to go from here, and that it up the path of learning, success, and to do it with love.

YOU are loved beyond your greatest imaginings and you are NEEDED beyond that which you can comprehend, and so often by those who do not voice it. Hold to that truth and that knowledge and keep walking the path, it WILL get easier in time, I promise you this.

I celebrate YOU in ALL your glory, your beauty, your wisdom, your Being-ness. Please take a moment to look in the mirror and celebrate and love YOU as I see you and love you.

Celebrating your magnificence!


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United States National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
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INTERNATIONAL World-Wide Suicide & Crisis Hotlines:
http://suicidehotlines.com/international.html

©Leyla Hur

All Rights Reserved. Copying, altering, displaying or redistribution of this material without written permission from the author is strictly prohibited.

The Gift

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Peter.

Peter was very much like other little boys of the same age, he played ball, he told jokes, he even picked his nose and flicked his boogers. Looking at Peter, you would think that he was just another ordinary little boy.

But there was something about Peter that was so different, so amazing, and it was something that Peter was so self-conscious of, that he hid it. This special gift that Peter had was, his brilliance!

Yes, Peter was a brilliant little boy. But deep down, he knew that his brilliance could take him places, far away places, and if he allowed his brilliance to shine, he would supercede his parents and brothers and sisters, and even possibly be separated from them. This fear held Peter back, and he did not tell anyone about his brilliance, nor did he show anyone how brilliant he really was.

Over time, this secret made Peter very sad. He wanted so much to tell someone, anyone about his secret. He wanted to tell his Mum and Dad, but they were always too busy worrying about bills to pay any real attention to him.

At night, Peter would hear his Mum and Dad fight over money. He saw how unhappy money, or the lack of money, was making his parents. And he began to rage a hatred towards money.

Peter was doubly sad because he knew that if he could only have the courage to speak out and tell people about his brilliance, that he would be able to solve all of his parents problems.

One day, Peter worked up the courage to tell his Mum about his secret. He practiced all day what he would say and how he would say it. Finally, this feeling of boldness formed in the pit of his stomach... well it felt more like a boulder than boldness, but it egged him on, and it helped him move his feet, and he began to feel pride and happiness swelling in the center of his chest. This warmth grew larger and larger and it felt as if the sun itself had reached down and touched him.

Peter got right up off of the sofa and walked tall and proud into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. "Mum, I have something to tell you."

His Mum was really busy and harried-looking; "What is it Peter? Can't you see I am busy?"

"Mum, I have a secret to tell you." His chest puffed out in pride as he finally had found the courage to let go of this deep-seeded secret.

"Well, what is it? Do you think I have all day to be standing around listening to your silly little "secrets"? Do you know all that I have to do? Do you even care? There are bills to pay and your father is too lazy to do anything about them, so not only do I have to work until sweat appears on my brow, but then I have to come home and fix dinner for all you lazy children. So tell me Peter, what is this "great secret" that you have to tell me and it better not be something ridiculous , because honestly I really have notime to listen to a bunch of dribble right now."

With each word that came out of his mother's mouth, the warm feeling in Peter's chest diminished more and more. His back began to curl as he rounded his shoulders in. His head began to droop, and he could feel the heat of tears prickling the back of his eyes.

He knew... he knew he could not tell his Mum his great secret. He knew that he had to keep it locked away within himself.

"Well..." she crossed her arms and tapped her foot waiting impatiently for Peter to answer. "What is it?"

"Nothing. Just that I love you." Peter responded.

"OK fine. You've told me your "secret", now leave me alone so I can finish dinner."

Peter walked away from the kitchen, his heart swelling to the point that it almost burst.

After that day, Peter kept this secret locked inside of him for a very long, long time.

As he grew older, he began making choices that were not so good, and he had to live through the consequences of those choices. These consequences, and the guilt that he felt over making some of the choices he had made, added to his self-doubt, his loneliness, his isolation, and his fears.

One day, Peter met a young lady, and his heart began to swell in a love that he could not understand, and he did not want to truly understand. He decided to take a risk and marry this lady.

This lady was very different to anyone he had ever met before. When Peter introduced her to his family, they scorned her. They did not like the light that was shining out of her. She was the type of lady who entered into a room, and the entire room lit up. The more her light shone with love and compassion and friendship, the more Peter's family hated her.

And the more Peter's family hated her, the more he grew to love her.

Soon, Peter began to discover a new found strength inside of him, and he told his family that he would never leave his beloved bride; in his saying this, his family scorned him also. Finally, Peter had no choice, but to leave his family and so he did.

As the years went by, Peter and his wife fell more and more in love with each other. His wife's light began to rub off on Peter and he would have moments, great moments, when his inner-light shone so brightly, it was almost blinding.

And as Peter's wife observed him, she noticed something about him, a very special quality that could not be denied. As she began to notice this, so did others.

Soon, Peter's secret was beginning to be revealed. In small ways at first, but soon the secret of his brilliance was shining forth brightly.

Sadly, there were many dark forces who noticed this and who took advantage of it. Each time this happened, Peter began to withdraw his light a little more and a little more. His once shining bright star, began to grow dull. He began to get sad and fearful once again. And no matter what encouragement his beloved wife would offer him, what words of wisdom she shared with him, he did not want to hear or listen.

One day, Peter had an immensely brilliant idea. It was the idea of ideas. It was something that was SO brilliant, he would HAVE to share it with the world as it was just too great for one man to hold within himself.

Peter shared his idea with his wife. Immediately, she began to glow. The glow came from a deep place inside of her as she recognized the brilliance of Peter's idea. She encouraged him to work on his idea so he could share it with the world, and help light up so many lives that had grown very dark, and were decaying in so many places.

But Peter grew scared. Everyday he would go to his computer, he would determine inside of himself that "today is the day I'll start working", but then he would find other things to occupy his mind and his time. For weeks and weeks, then months and months, Peter would follow a routine. Each morning he would tell himself that "today is the day", but each time he turned his computer on, he would find himself another distraction.

Soon, he noticed that there was almost no food in the house and there was no money to go and buy more food because he was not making any money. The once shining bright light that his wife exuded was starting to dim. She no longer carried a smile on her face and her face was beginning to grow deep lines from frowning with worry and stress. He noticed that they began to have more and more arguments about little things, and he began to feel that she was picking on him each time she thought she was motivating and encouraging him. Soon, the love he once felt for her was also diminishing, and he began to fill his mind with thoughts of divorce.

Peter did not know what to do. He knew that this secret that he held on so tightly to was destroying his life. He felt himself die just a little more each day.

Soon, he told his wife that she had to stop pushing him to work. He began to let go of his brilliant idea because he did not feel the courage to pluck himself out of the sorrow and dark pit that he had formed around him.

As he let go of the idea, there was another man who lived in another state, and soon he was finding himself becoming filled with the most brilliant idea the world had ever known. And as the idea filtered away from Peter and filtered into this new man, the light within him started to grow greater.

This man was not a brilliant man by any means, but he knew brilliance when he saw it. He grabbed hold of this idea and began to work on it. Soon, he brought his idea to the world, and all the people of the entire world stood up and clapped. They jumped up and down with glee. The light that had been going out in so many lives began to grow again. Soon the entire world was glowing with the light of happiness, positive energies, love, and fulfillment, as this idea truly changed the world.

But in one small part of the world, there was a darkness. A sorrow so deep. A regret so great. A pain so tremendous. It emerged from two people, Peter and his beloved wife.

As Peter let his idea slip away into the Universe, the Universe realised that they needed to find someone else much more suitable to manifest the idea into life. So they did.

What Peter never realised or wanted to comprehend was that his gift of brilliance was just that "a gift". It was entrusted to him by the greatest force, but he hid it away. He was too afraid to let it shine. When he was entrusted with the greatest light-giving idea, he was too scared to let it out and share it. As he fell more into his routine of being busy by procrastinating, the Universe was always observing. Finally, the Universe knew that it was time for the idea to shine, there were more people in the world that needed this idea to materialize than just Peter. So, they found someone else and they gave him the idea instead.

Often, we do not realise that the ideas we are given are not created by us alone, they are entrusted to us by a higher and greater force. When we are entrusted with such a gift, it is our responsibility to hold on tightly and take that idea to the maximum limit. We do not know what that idea can do for others, but the Universe does. While we may be compensated monetarily or by wide-acclaim, the Universes compensation to us, and especially to the ones the idea touches, is so much greater.

When you have an idea, do all you can to turn it into reality. There are no true obstacles but the obstacles you place in front of yourself. They are nothing more than mere illusions that can be maneuvered by simple imagination and action.

Success has never been created by imagination and dreams alone, it takes action, work, and diligence in persevering the end goal.

Do not be like Peter, if you have an idea, put it into action, today! You never know when the Universe will remove it from you and give it to someone else. Don't let your fears or the words of others distract you or hold you back. Inspite of what others say to negate your idea, your dream, or your belief, do it! There is an even greater audience watching you and cheering you on.

©Leyla Hur

All Rights Reserved. Copying, altering, displaying or redistribution of this material without written permission from the author is strictly prohibited.